


The Voltron Chat Fic No One Asked For

by fleep



Category: Voltron: Legendary Defender
Genre: Aged-Up Character(s), Alternate Universe, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Crack, Daddy Kink, F/M, Gen, Group chat, M/M, Memes, OOC for sure LOL, Sexual Humor, Swearing, Texting, [x files theme], ayyyyyyyy lmao, but this fic isnt about college its bullshit and memes, even i dont know, everyone drags everyone, hot messes don't come close to these trainwrecks, i rated it as m bc these kids have bad language, if you havent started playing it, im not kidding, innuendos, is this a text chat?? a skype chat?? an fb message chat??, lots of lenny face, mystic messenger spoilers, nobody asked for this but here it is, odd flirting?? if you can call it that, people call shiro daddy so imma tag it as daddy kink just in case??, really this fic is here to make all the other chat fics look good, stoner keith, the gang is in college/grad and allura and coran are rich af, there is no dialogue its all chat/text format, this fic is just nonsense, typing style whats that
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-09-10
Updated: 2017-04-28
Packaged: 2018-08-14 06:35:16
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 16
Words: 19,281
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8002135
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/fleep/pseuds/fleep
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p><strong>dont hunk with my heart</strong>: did u really photoshop ur face over a man in a chicken costume running from the police</p><p><strong>keith is fine</strong>: thats pidge hunk pidge is the police</p><p><strong>dont hunk with my heart</strong>: howd u make that so fast lance</p><p><strong>mememachine</strong>: ive had this saved up for an occasion like this</p><p>Nobody asked for this</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. rip

**Author's Note:**

> I originally wanted a fic where Keith and Lance said "shit u rite" and ended up with this instead.
> 
> Edit: I decided to bold the usernames because I think it's easier on the eye to read, especially since future chapters might be longer. Let me know what you think!

_mememachine has added dont hunk with my heart, give me caffeine, keith is fine, shiroGONE to the chat_

__[4:16 PM]_ _

__**mememachine** : hello pals_ _

__**dont hunk with my heart** : what is this_ _

__**mememachine** : a chat with my good buddies_ _

__**mememachine** : i want to share something with u all_ _

__**keith is fine** : buddies is a strong word_ _

__**mememachine** : oh bite me_ _

__**dont hunk with my heart** : ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)_ _

__**mememachine** : hunk pls_ _

__**dont hunk with my heart** : ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)_ _

__**keith is fine** : what does that face even mean_ _

__**keith is fine** : its creepy_ _

__**keith is fine** : what is it implying_ _

__**keith is fine** : what does it know_ _

__**keith is fine** : deliver us the answers, lenny face_ _

__**dont hunk with my heart** : keith its just a meme calm down_ _

__**keith is fine** : i dont like this meme_ _

__**give me caffeine** : i hate this_ _

__**mememachine** : ANYWAY ಠ_ಠ_ _

__**mememachine** : i gathered u all here for good times and Good Shit™ ok so settle down everyone_ _

__**mememachine** : and i shall deliver what was promised_ _

__**give me caffeine** : lance if u made this chat just to spam us with ur shitty memes and selfies i will go all the way to ur house and punch u _ _

__

_mememachine has sent iseemtohavegottenintoquitetheconundrumhere.jpg_

____ _ _

____**dont hunk with my heart** : did u really photoshop ur face over a man in a chicken costume running from the police_ _ _ _

____**keith is fine** : thats pidge hunk pidge is the police_ _ _ _

____**dont hunk with my heart** : howd u make that so fast lance_ _ _ _

____**mememachine** : ive had this saved up for an occasion like this_ _ _ _

____**give me caffeine** : that's it_ _ _ _

____**give me caffeine** : you have five minutes lance_ _ _ _

____**keith is fine** : oh shit_ _ _ _

____**dont hunk with my heart** : bye lance, can i bring snacks at ur funeral y/y??_ _ _ _

____**mememachine** : guys pls_ _ _ _

____**mememachine** : im not dying_ _ _ _

____**mememachine** : and hunk???? rude™ _ _ _ _

____**mememachine** : also where is shiro?? hello?? are you there papi??_ _ _ _

____**dont hunk with my heart** : omg_ _ _ _

____**keith is fine** : you know pidge isnt kidding right_ _ _ _

____**dont hunk with my heart** : yea lance you dun goofed_ _ _ _

____**mememachine** : omg pls pidge loves me they wouldnt hurt me right pidge_ _ _ _

____**give me caffeine** : check your snapchat_ _ _ _

____**mememachine** : ???_ _ _ _

____**mememachine** : hOLY SHIT R U ON MY fUCKIGN bLOCK???????????????_ _ _ _

____**mememachine** : HOWD U GET HERE SO FAST????_ _ _ _

____**give me caffeine** : pure rage_ _ _ _

____**dont hunk with my heart** : lmao_ _ _ _

____**keith is fine** : told you_ _ _ _

____**dont hunk with my heart** : they did say five minutes _ _ _ _

____**mememachine** : sHhIT THeyre OuTSIDE RHE DOOR_ _ _ _

____**mememachine** : FUXIGKN HELP ME_ _ _ _

____**mememachine** : IM NOT JKIDDING SOMEOEN CCOME OVER HERE OLEASE_ _ _ _

____**mememachine** : O GOD THEY FUCKKGN PICKED THE LOCK IMDMMSJSHJSMAMDM_ _ _ _

____**dont hunk with my heart** : should we help him_ _ _ _

____**keith is fine** : are you kidding im not getting in pidges way thats asking for death_ _ _ _

____**dont hunk with my heart** : tru _ _ _ _

____**mememachine** : HEKSHSJDLDMSJVZB??€|££~\£|!!,>'_ _ _ _

____**shiroGONE** : rip_ _ _ _


	2. What Have I Done™

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> **mememachine** : you come into mY HOUSE

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Unfortunately I had to split this section into two chapters but Allura and Coran are Coming™

[6:07 PM]

 **mememachine** : i was attacked in my own home and not one of u helped me

 **mememachine** : what kind of friends are u

 **keith is fine** : ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯

 **mememachine** : GDI KEITH NOBODY ASKED YOU

 **dont hunk with my heart** : woah friend

 **dont hunk with my heart** : lets take it down a notch

 **keith is fine** : but you did ask tho

 **keith is fine** : you literally asked what kind of friends are you

 **mememachine** : jfc

 **dont hunk with my heart** : are u tryin to rile up lance on purpose cause u find it cute or smthn ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

 **keith is fine** : dont know what ur talkin about hunk

 **mememachine** : ? ? ? ?? ????? eXCUSE ME

 **mememachine** : have u SEEN ME

 

_mememachine has sent GAZE UPON THE GREATNESS.jpg_

 

 **dont hunk with my heart** : lance pls

 **keith is fine** : are those power ranger pajama bottoms

 **mememachine** : YES AND THEYRE SUPER COMFY TYVM 

**dont hunk with my heart** : go go power rangers

 **dont hunk with my heart** : were u wearing those when pidge destroyed you

 **mememachine** : *ATTACKED me

 **give me caffeine** : you know i didn't actually punch you right

 **mememachine** : DONT TALK TO ME CRIMINAL

 **give me caffeine** : i showed up

 **mememachine** : *BROKE IN 

**give me caffeine** : and all i said was “i gave you five minutes lance” before you started screaming and throwing pillows at me

 **give me caffeine** : yelling “diablito” over and over

 **give me caffeine** : so really i was the one attacked

 **mememachine** : IT WAS SELF DEFENSE 

**mememachine** : DO U NOT REMEMBER THE PART WHERE U HIT ME WITH THE PILLOW

 **mememachine** : WHILE I WAS SCREAMING INTO THE ABYSS

 **mememachine** : *like a fierce warrior btw

 **give me caffeine** : lance weve all heard you scream its nothing like a warrior

 **give me caffeine** : its more like WAHHHHHHHHHHHOUAUHHHHHHHHHHH

 **dont hunk with my heart** : no no its like WAHHHHHH AHHHH WOOO HOO HOO WAHHHHAHH

 **keith is fine** : isnt it like AHHHHHHHHHHWAHHHWAHHWAHHHHHHHH

 **shiroGONE** : everybody stop

 **shiroGONE** : its definitely AHHHHHHHHHWOOOOHAHHHHHHHHHH

 **mememachine** : i CANNOT beliEBE;;;

 **mememachine** : BETRAYED BY ALL MY FRIENDS,,,

 **mememachine** : u know what fuck u guys i hate this chat

 **give me caffeine** : aw but its actually getting good now

 **mememachine** : 

**mememachine** : you come into mY HOUSE

 **mememachine** : yOU THREATEN MY SAFETY

 **mememachine** : YOU DRAG ME IN MY OWN GROUPCHAT

 **give me caffeine** : while most of that is true

 **give me caffeine** : i never intended to harm you*

 **give me caffeine** : *much

 **mememachine** : you said you were gonna punch me in the fuckign fACE

 **mememachine** : U LITERALLY GRABBED THE PILLOW I THREW AT U AND HIT ME WITH IT

 **mememachine** : REPEATEDLY

 **mememachine** : U DIDNT EVEN CLOSE THE DOOR WHEN U LEFT U ANIMAL

 **give me caffeine** : i admit

 **give me caffeine** : the punching you part was an exaggeration

 **keith is fine** : *a disappointment

 **mememachine** : BOI IF U DONT 

**keith is fine** : :) 

**dont hunk with my heart** : keith, lance

 **dont hunk with my heart** : ur making this too easy ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

 **mememachine** : SHUT UP HUNK GET OUT

 **dont hunk with my heart** : NO U 

**keith is fine** : no u 

**dont hunk with my heart** : ??? tf keith

 **keith is fine** : sorry i meant lance

 **mememachine** : fuck u

 **give me caffeine** : can i get out

 **shiroGONE** : hey hey let's all calm down here

 **shiroGONE** : there’s no need for discourse

 **give me caffeine** : WAIT SHIRO NO

 **keith is fine** : the Discourse

 **mememachine** : The Discourse™

 

_dont hunk with my heart has changed the chat name to The Discourse™_

 

 **give me caffeine** : gdi

 **shiroGONE:** what have i done

 **mememachine** : you mean What Have I Done™

 

_shiroGONE has changed their name to shiroDONE_

 

 **dont hunk with my heart** : lmao

 **mememachine** : lmao

 **keith is fine** : lmao

 **give me caffeine** : i cant believe yall stopped fighting bc of memes

 **mememachine** : friends who meme together stay together

 **keith is fine** : yup

 **give me caffeine** : im leaving

 

_give me caffeine has left the chat_

 

 **shiroDONE** : oh no you don’t 

 

_shiroDONE has added give me caffeine to the chat_

 

 **shiroDONE** : you’re a part of this group and we stick together

 **give me caffeine** : dont lie to me you just dont want to be alone with them

 **shiroDONE** : shit u rite

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> What am I doing with my life.
> 
> Also, I had intended the use of "diablito" to mean "little devil," like what you would call an impish child. If I am incorrect in using this word, please let me know!


	3. rude motherfuckers

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> **shiroDONE** : ok i'm adding allura and coran before you do something stupid
> 
> **give me caffeine** : too late

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here They Come ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

[7:12 PM]

**shiroDONE** : actually do you know what this chat needs??

**give me caffeine** : to die

**shiroDONE** : IT NEEDS

**shiroDONE** : the rest of our group

**dont hunk with my heart** : oh shit do u mean who i think u mean

**give me caffeine** : i was starting to wonder why they werent here yet

**keith is fine** : lance why didnt you add allura and coran

**mememachine** : oh shit i forgot lol

**mememachine** : my bad

**keith is fine** : oh 

**keith is fine** : okay

**dont hunk with my heart** : not hostile lance is a lance that worries me ( ﾟдﾟ )

**mememachine** : wtf fuck u

**dont hunk with my heart** : thats better

**shiroDONE** : ok i'm adding allura and coran before you do something stupid

**give me caffeine** : too late

**mememachine** : are we sure pidge isnt just three blocks of salt in a trench coat

**give me caffeine** : why dont you find out lance :)

**mememachine** : nvm

**dont hunk with my heart** : lol

**keith is fine** : lol

**shiroDONE** : why are you all like this

**dont hunk with my heart** : why arent u adding allura and coran cmon

**dont hunk with my heart** : allura allura aLLURA ALLURA

**mememachine** : ALLURA ALLURA ALLURA 

**keith is fine** : ...coran???

**mememachine** : **CORAN CORAN CORAN**

 

_shiroDONE has added does allura is nut?? and CocoChanel™ to the chat_

 

**does allura is nut??** : what the fuck is this shit

**shiroDONE** : a groupchat

**mememachine** : with your best friends~ ٩(◕ั ∀◕ั๑٩)

**does allura is nut??** : im leaving

**mememachine** : WAIT NO

**give me caffeine** : lmfao 

**mememachine** : allura dont leave 

**mememachine** : we have uh

**mememachine** : uh

**mememachine** : friends help me out here

**keith is fine** : we have memes

**mememachine** : close enough

**does allura is nut??** : 

**does allura is nut??** : go on

**keith is fine** : quality memes

**does allura is nut??** : ok ill stay

**dont hunk with my heart** : ayyyyyyyy

**give me caffeine** : i cant believe this

**CocoChanel™** : i cant believe nobody has said hello to me yet 

**CocoChanel™** : you rude motherfuckers

**mememachine** : CORAN PLS

**dont hunk with my heart** : he call.ed ys rude mohrfucsketers

**dont hunk with my heart** : this is the best wednesday night of my life

 

_mememachine has changed the chat name to rude mohrfucsketers_

 

**shiroDONE** : this groupchat was a mistake

 

_keith is fine has changed the chat name to A Mistake™_

 

**give me caffeine** : i hate all of you

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay for some reason the notes from the first chapter are appearing here, please ignore it!! Sorry for any confusion!  
> I should go to bed.


	4. the truth is out there

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> **keith is fine** : im just doing my job
> 
>  **keith is fine** : saving the economy one wash load at a time

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I should be getting ready for bed but yolo

[3:23 AM]

 **keith is fine** : so if were clean when we get out of the shower then why does the towel get dirty

 **dont hunk with my heart** : bruh

 **don't hunk with my heart** : i never thought of that

 **keith is fine** : right

 **keith is fine** : like how can we make it dirty if were already clean

 **keith is fine** : we can use the same towel for like a week and save laundry money

 **keith is fine** : we could have a towel color coded for each week so we know what week of the month it is

 **keith is fine** : imagine the amount of quarters we could save

 **dont hunk with my heart** : holy shit keith ur a genius

 **keith is fine** : im just doing my job

 **keith is fine** : saving the economy one wash load at a time

 **shiroDONE** : keith please it's 3am go to bed

 **keith is fine** : youre not my mom

 **shiroDONE** : no

 **shiroDONE** : but allura is

 **keith is fine** : shit

 **dont hunk with my heart** : lmao

 **shiroDONE** : you're in trouble too

 **dont hunk with my heart** : shit

 **does allura is nut??** : ok what the fuck

 **does allura is nut??** : im not in the mood for this tumblr late night bullshit

 **does allura is nut??** : people already use the same towel for a week

 **does allura is nut??** : you cant save the economy with color coded towels

 **does allura is nut??** : whats wrong with you

 **keith is fine** : i will admit

 **keith is fine** : im a little high rn

 **shiroDONE** : gdi

 **dont hunk with my heart:** B R U H

 **dont hunk with my heart** : you aint sharing??????????? rude

 **keith is fine** : its not like i planned it

 **keith is fine** : do you really expect me to call you up at 3am and ask if you wanna share some of this dank weed

 **dont hunk with my heart** : it would have been nice

 **does allura is nut??** : i s2g

[3:58 AM]

 **keith is fine** : so can i tell you about the aliens

 **shiroDONE** : no

 **keith is fine** : can i show you my charts

 **does allura is nut??** : fuck no

 **does allura is nut??** : go to sleep

 **keith is fine** : ok mom

 **keith is fine** : just know that the truth is out there

 **dont hunk with my heart** : what is the truth

 **does allura is nut??** : jfc

 **keith is fine** : the aliens are among us

 **keith is fine** : they want the Big cat

 **keith is fine** : so they can rule the galaxy

 **keith is fine** : they just gotta catch it

 **does allura is nut??** : the aliens r gonna catch these hands and so r u if u dont stfu and go to bed

 **keith is fine** : the Big cat will saev me

 **does allura is nut??** : n o t  f r o m  m e

 **keith is fine** : k night

 **dont hunk with my heart** : lol bye

 **does allura is nut??** : D O N T think i forgot about u hunk

 **dont hunk with my heart** : going to bed right now ma'am

 **does allura is nut??** : ur goddamn right

 **shiroDONE** : i love you so much

 **does allura is nut??** : thats great thanks

 **does allura is nut??** : im going to bed

 **does allura is nut??** : if i see another message from any of you so help me i will get corans belt

 **does allura is nut??** : i got my eye on you

 **mememachine** : ~WATER TRIBE~

 **does allura is nut??** : FUCKING SHIT

 **mememachine** : ayyyyyyyyyy

 **dont hunk with my heart** : ayyyyyyyyyyy

 **keith is fine** : ayyyyyyyyy lmao

 **shiroDONE** : it can't be helped

 **shiroDONE:** any opening for a meme and he's summoned

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> All my titles are lines I like from each convo tbh.


	5. hwat

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Another night where I should be sleeping but doing this instead lol

[12:46 PM]  
  
**mememachine** : ok so my class is cancelled who wants to get pizza  
  
**dont hunk with my heart** : im on my way  
  
**does allura is nut??** : im still so angry  
  
**shiroDONE:** you mean from last night  
  
**CocoChanel™** : can you tell me what in the fuck happened last night  
  
**CocoChanel™** : i heard allura shrieking at 4AM   
  
**CocoChanel™** : this morning she kept asking me for one of my belts  
  
**does allura is nut??** : i had everything under control  
  
**does allura is nut??** : i was minutes from sleep before i had a rage aneurysm

 **does allura is nut??** : and its all ur fault lance  
  
**mememachine** : nuh uh u cant blame that on me u coulda just went to bed  
  
**mememachine** : but yall were up at ass o’clock so

 **does allura is nut??** : so were YOU  
  
**CocoChanel™** : is anyone gonna answer me or  
  
**mememachine** : i woke up to pee and saw my phone goin off like bloop bloop and came at the right time ʅ（´◔౪◔）ʃ  
  
**keith is fine** : lol bloop bloop  
  
**keith is fine** : thats funny  
  
  
_keith is fine changed the chat name to Bloop Blop_  
  
  
**mememachine** : how high are u right now  
  
**keith is fine** : 5 foot 10

 **dont hunk with my heart** : no hesitation

 **shiroDONE** : gdi keith dont u have class  
  
**keith is fine** : nah  
  
**keith is fine** : its tuesday my dudes  
  
**keith is fine** : no class for keith  
  
**shiroDONE** : it's THURSDAY  
  
**does allura is nut??** : dont bother shiro hed be useless in class  
  
**does allura is nut??** : just look at him  
  
**dont hunk with my heart** : are we just gonna ignore that keith spelled bloop bloop wrong or  
  
**CocoChanel™** : like how yall are ignoring me  
  
**shiroDONE** : coran please  
  
**mememachine** : i was about to jump on it hunk but  
  
**mememachine** : its not as fun when hes high  
  
**mememachine** : hes 2 nice  
  
**keith is fine** : imm always this fuckign nice  
  
**mememachine** : //looks into the camera like this is The Office  
  
**mememachine** : do u see me america  
  
**mememachine** : do u see hwat i have to deal with  
  
**keith is fine** : hwat  
  
**dont hunk with my heart:** hwat  
  
**does allura is nut??** : hwat  
  
**CocoChanel™** : hwat  
  
**shiroDONE** : hwat  
  
**mememachine** : S C R E E C H E S  
  
**mememachine** : i dont deserve this i have done nothing wrong  
  
**does allura is nut??** : rlly  
  
**mememachine** : i have not done anything wrong, ever, in my life  
  
**does allura is nut??:** //looks into the camera like this is The Office  
  
**mememachine** : HEY U CANT HIJACK MY MEME  
  
**does allura is nut??** : i just did ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)>⌐■-■    ( ͡⌐■ ͜ʖ ͡-■)  
  
**dont hunk with my heart** : im shook  
  
**mememachine** : allura pls memes are all i have  
  
**dont hunk with my heart** : wow thats  
  
**does allura is nut??:** sad  
  
**shrioDONE** : are memes is like your family lance  
  
**mememachine** : im unfriending all of you  
  
**dont hunk with my heart** : no ur not u love us  
  
**keith is fine** : were your family now  
  
**mememachine** : rot in hell keith 凸( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)  
  
**keith is fine** : love you too ;)  
  
**mememachine** : gET OUT ｡*ﾟ+.*.｡(っ ͡° ل͜ ͡°)っ ✂️ ╰⋃╯  
  
**shiroDONE** : LANCE  
  
**mememachine** : ANYWAY  
  
**shiroDONE** : don't ignore me  
  
**CocoChanel™** : hows it feel  
  
**shiroDONE** : oh my god  
  
**mememachine** : tbh i think yall are just jealous and cranky from being up so damn late  
  
**mememachine** : i sleep at a good time bc unlike u ppl im gettin my beauty sleep ;)

 **give me caffeine** : then maybe you should sleep for a few years

 **mememachine:** HWAT

 **dont hunk with my heart** : OHHHHHH SHIT

 **CocoChanel** **™:**  #rekt

 **keith is fine** : lolol  
  
**does allura is nut??** : savage

 **dont hunk with my heart** : omg I JUST REALIZED HE HWAT AGAIN  
  
**does allura is nut??** : BLESS  
  
**mememachine** : how can u all do this to me   
  
**does allura is nut??** : its not that hard actually  
  
**dont hunk with my heart** : u literally just said we were all jealous and cranky so im??  
  
**give me caffeine** : i never feel sorry for you, ever

 **mememachine** : WHERE TF DID U EVEN COME FROM  
  
**give me caffeine** : woke up from my nap  
  
**give me caffeine** : just in time to school you  
**  
****shiroDONE:** but

 **shiroDONE** : it's already past one in the afternoon  
  
**shiroDONE:** is nobody going to class

 **mememachine:** YEA SHIRO BACK ME UP WHY ARENT U IN CLASS PIDGE

 **shiroDONE** : on that note

 

_shiroDONE has changed the chat name to get rekt lance_

 

 **mememachine:** W H A T ,, ,

 **give me caffeine** : lol  
  
**shiroDONE** : hows it feel  
  
**CocoChanel™** isdjkcfhdskf;.hnklszdfnvl,mk,’;  
**  
****mememachine:** i

 **mememachine:** i came out to have a good time and im honestly feeling so attacked right now

 **keith is fine** : but were not outside  
  
**mememachine** : ◉_◉  
  
**mememachine** : take a nap keith  
  
**keith is fine** : wait  
  
**keith is fine** : were not outside right

 **does allura is nut??** : im leavin  
  
**CocoChanel** ™: same  
  
**CocoChanel** ™: sick of this mf chat  
  
**does allura is nut??** : lets hit starbucks  
  
**does allura is nut??** : shiro u wanna come??  
  
**CocoChanel** ™: shiro can kick rocks  
  
**does allura is nut??** : shh dont listen to him just come  
  
**CocoChanel™** : i deserve better than this™  
  
**shiroDONE** : i should study tbh i have like 4 tests next week  
  
**keith is fine** : 420 ayyyyyy lmao  
  
**shiroDONE:** take a nap keith  
  
**give me caffeine** : shiro is keith a stoner  
  
**shiroDONE** : pidge shush go back to sleep  
  
**dont hunk with my heart:** pidge keith is 100% a stoner  
  
**give me caffeine** : i knew it  
  
**shiroDONE** : HUNK  
  
**mememachine** : omg are we dragging keith now im so here for this  
  
**shiroDONE** : nobody's dragging keith  
  
**keith is fine** : yaaaaaaas drag haaaaaaaa  
  
**shiroDONE** : i’m  
  
**shiroDONE** : know what nvm do what you want i’m goin to starbucks  
  
**shiroDONE** : and i'll buy your drink coran  
  
**does allura is nut??** : yayyyyyyyyy <3  
  
**CocoChanel** ™: venti mocha frappe here i come  
  
**mememachine** : wait u cant drag urself keith stop that  
  
**dont hunk with my heart** : bruh i dont think he even knows who he is rn  
  
**dont hunk with my heart** : im outside lets get that pizza tho  
  
**mememachine** : whatever  
  
**give me caffeine** : sometimes i worry about my life choices  
  
**give me caffeine:** but then i look at this chat and realize  
  
**give me caffeine** : im doing just fine :)


	6. mcfetus with a side of large fries

[9:14 PM]

  
**give me caffeine** : so lance are you gonna catch up on your beauty sleep i still recommend at least 3 plus years  
  
**does allura is nut??** : lmao

 **mememachine** : this is cyberbullying

 **shiroDONE** : is it really lance  
  
**mememachine** : papi y do u let them do me like this  
  
**shiroDONE** : that  
  
**shiroDONE** : that is exactly why

 **mememachine** : papi pls  
  
**shiroDONE** : im nOT UR PAPI

 **mememachine** : but u are my daddy  
  
**shiroDONE** : L A N C E

 **dont hunk with my heart** : i think he means that ur kinda like the group dad  
  
**give me caffeine** : hes just a filthy fuck

  
  
_mememachine has changed their name to filthy fuck_

  
  
**filthy fuck** : i mean ur not wrong lol  
  
**keith is fine** : a disgrace  
  
**shiroDONE** : why am i the dad again

 **filthy fuck** : keith pls u prolly have the worst kinks out of all of us  
  
**keith is fine** : do not  
  
**filthy fuck** : do too  
  
**filthy fuck:** probably  
  
**dont hunk with my heart** :  how would u know lance ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)  
  
**does allura is nut??** : yes lance  
  
**does allura is nut??** : how would u know ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)  
  
**filthy fuck** : u stop that  
  
**CocoChanel™** : you kids best be talking about kinks in a machine  
  
**does allura is nut??** : we’re not  
  
**dont hunk with my heart** : nope ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)  
  
**CocoChanel** ™: jfc  
  
**give me caffeine** : shiro youre the dad  
  
**give me caffeine** : thats all there is to it  
  
**shiroDONE** : but i dont understand  
  
**give me caffeine** : alluras the mom  
  
**shiroDONE** : oh  
  
**does allura is nut??** : lololol  
  
**shiroDONE** : still that doesnt make me the father of 4 overgrown children  
  
**give me caffeine:** u literally called us children  
  
**shiroDONE** : its literally what u r  
  
**filthy fuck** : ur problematic kinky children  
  
**shiroDONE** : Do Not Do This  
  
**keith is fine** : i dont even the kink  
  
**filthy fuck** : sure u dont sweaty :)  
  
**keith is fine** : ill show u whos sweaty  
  
**filthy fuck** : what  
  
**dont hunk with my heart** : ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)  
  
**does allura is nut??** : ( ͡~ ͜ʖ ͡°) **  
** **  
** **dont hunk with my heart** :  (☞ﾟ∀ﾟ)☞ ayyyyy  
  
**does allura is nut??** : ☜（ﾟ∀ﾟ☜）ayyyyy  
**  
** **keith is fine** : please stop doing that  
  
**does allura is nut??** : no (ʘ‿ʘ✿)  
  
**give me caffeine** : you cant ignore the truth shiro  
  
**give me caffeine** : you cant hide whats inside [-c°▥°]-c  
  
**shiroDONE** : was that  
  
**shiroDONE** : was that spongebob  
  
**give me caffeine** : i can be fun sometimes  
  
**dont hunk with my heart** : did someone say fun (ಽ ͡☉ ͜ʖ ͡☉)ಽ  
  
**filthy fuck** : hunk if u dont stop ill change the netflix password

 **dont hunk with my heart** : u wouldnt  
  
**filthy fuck** : w a t c h  m e   

 **shiroDONE** : change it now he needs to learn his lesson  
  
**keith is fine** : yeah so lance can keep all his anime hentais to himself

 **filthy fuck** : nETFLIX DOESNT EVEN HAVE THOSE U SOGGY SPONGE  
  
**keith is fine** : was that a tumblr insult lol

 **filthy fuck** : FIGHT ME

 **keith is fine** : fine lets go  
  
**filthy fuck** : lets go right fuckin nOW

 **keith is fine** : im coming over  
  
**filthy fuck** : GOOD IM READY  
  
**dont hunk with my heart** : ┬┴┬┴┤ ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)├┬┴┬┴  
  
**does allura is nut??** : ┬┴┬┴┤ ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°) ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)├┬┴┬┴  
  
**give me caffeine** : you two just cant help yourselves can you  
  
**filthy fuck** : thats it im changing the password  
  
**keith is fine** : block allura out too  
  
**does allura is nut??** : wAIT NO ლ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°ლ)  
  
**dont hunk with my heart** : pls no my iron chef;; ლ(´ڡ`ლ)  
  
**CocoChanel™** : everyone knows the great british baking show is better js  
  
**dont hunk with my heart** : how much salt is in that mustache coran  
  
**CocoChanel™** : about as much money i get in the bank sucka $$$  
  
**does allura is nut??** : which is p salty cause we rich af  
  
**dont hunk with my heart** : shit  
  
**give me caffeine** : look at this chat shiro  
  
**give me caffeine** : look at this chat and tell me with confidence these trainwrecks wouldnt stick a fork in a socket if they had the chance  
  
**shiroDONE** : i'm not answering that  
  
**give me caffeine** : you know they wouldnt make it past two weeks without you  
  
**give me caffeine** : this is why youre the group dad

 **does allura is nut??** : change shiroDONE to shiroDADDY like if u agree  
  
**CocoChanel™** : ALLURA N O  
  
**does allura is nut??** : dont worry about it coran

 **CocoChanel™** : brb pouring bleach in my eyes  
  
**does allura is nut??** : coran pls  
  
**CocoChanel™** : i remember when you watched sesame street  
  
**filthy fuck** : i give 10 likes btw ^^  
  
**shiroDONE** : what happened to my life

 **give me caffeine** : sinners  
  
**give me caffeine** : filthy memeing sinners happened

  
_keith is fine has changed the chat name to filthy memeing sinners_ _( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)_

  
  
**give me caffeine** : how dare u  
  
**keith is fine** : ;)  
  
**give me caffeine** : stop thats creepy go flirt with lance  
  
**keith is fine** : im already omw to beat his ass  
  
**filthy fuck** : id like to see u try shitlett  
  
**keith is fine:** shitlett

 **keith is fine** : i

 **keith is fine** : what is that

 **filthy fuck** : its mullet and shit put together  
  
**filthy fuck** : cause ur mullet is shit  
  
**keith is fine** : omg

 **keith is fine** : thats the dumbest thing ive ever heard but like

 **keith is fine** : im laughing???

 _  
_ _keith has changed their name to shitlett_

  
**filthy fuck** : wait no put it back you like it  
  
**shitlett** : no im keeping it i love it  
  
**filthy fuck** : stop this  
  
**give me caffeine** : ur both gross  
  
**shiroDONE** : where did i go wrong  
  
**filthy fuck** : I LOST A FRIEND  
  
**shiroDONE:**  ......  
  
**shiroDONE** : i don't even like that song  
  
**dont hunk with my heart** : when u met us probably lmao  
  
**give me caffeine** : right  
  
**dont hunk with my heart** : and here we are  
  
**dont hunk with my heart** : now keith go get the booty™   
  
**does allura is nut??** : the sweet surfer booty™  
  
**filthy fuck** : AABDSJFDBSFHDKSB,/.B, S TO P

 **give me caffeine** : ya nasty

 **dont hunk with my heart** : ya child  
  
**does allura is nut??** : ya baby  
  
**filthy fuck** : ya fetus  
  
**shitlett** : ya McFetus™  
  
**filthy fuck** : sHIT,,,, i cant mcfreakin believe i missed that opportunity   
  
**shitlett** : ;)  
  
**shitlett** : get ready lance  
  
**shitlett** : im coming  
  
**filthy fuck** : what  
  
**dont hunk with my heart** : IDC ILL WATCH HULU INSTEAD ( ͡◉ ͜ʖ ͡◉)  
  
**does allura is nut??** : same ヽ༼ ͡☉ ͜ʖ ͡☉ ༽ﾉ

 **CocoChanel™** : WHERE DO YOU KEEP FINDING THOSE FACES  
  
**give me caffeine** : i kinda want mcdonalds now tbh  
  
**give me caffeine** : im gonna go and order a mcfetus with a side of large fries  
  
**shiroDONE** : pidge no  
  
**give me caffeine** : pidge yes

  
  
_give me caffeine has changed their name to pidge yes_

  
  
**dont hunk with my heart** : wait  
  
**dont hunk with my heart** : can you get me chicken nuggets  
  
**pidge yes** : i guess  
  
**does allura is nut??** : get me a big mac meal  
  
**CocoChanel™:** i want a mcflurry  
  
**filthy fuck:** can i also get chicken nuggets  
  
**shitlett** : make it a 20pc   
  
**filthy fuck** : are u suggesting we share bc i will kick u out right now  
  
**shitlett** : 40pc?  
  
**filthy fuck** : fine  
  
**does allura is nut??** : wait werent you going to lances house for the booty  
  
**shitlett** : yea im here but we read about mcdonalds  
  
**filthy fuck** : make it a 40pc and extra large fries and a kids meal  
  
**filthy fuck** : i want a secret life of pets toy  
  
**pidge yes** : wHERE AM I GETTING THIS MONEY??? nONE OF YOU LIVE HERE???  
  
**shiroDONE** : oh my god just  
  
**shiroDONE** : i'll get the car and pick you all up   
  
**shiroDONE** : everyone get ready we're going to mcdonald's  
  
**pidge yes** : thank you papi  
  
**shiroDONE** : FUCKIGN  
  
**filthy fuck** : lmfao

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> could u tell i was hungry for mcdonalds


	7. shiroSUFFERING

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> the gang gets involved in a mystery

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hello pals ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

[12:27AM]  
**  
** **  
** **dont hunk with my heart:** ok is nobody gonna say it  
  
**dont hunk with my heart** : i noticed  
  
**dont hunk with my heart** : you noticed  
  
**dont hunk with my heart** : we all noticed

 **dont hunk with my heart** : somebody let out a huge fart in shiros car on the way home and hasnt owned up to it yet  
  
**dont hunk with my heart** : i know we all blamed lance  
  
**filthy fuck** : I FUCKIN SAID IT WASNT ME  
  
**dont hunk with my heart** : but i think the real culprit is someone else in this chatroom  
  
**filthy fuck:** UR SAYIN THIS NOW?? WHEN WE'RE ALL HOME??  
  
**dont hunk with my heart** : ive had time to reflect  
  
**filthy fuck** : SHIRO ALMOST THREW ME OUT OF HIS CAR  
  
**shiroDONE** : i could feel it from THE FRONT SEAT LANCE  
  
**shitlett** : it was a dramatic reaction tbh  
  
**shitlett** : unrolling all the windows at once  
  
**shitlett** : telling allura to move so he could shove lance out the door  
  
**does allura is nut??** : hes stronger than he looks  
  
**filthy fuck:** you laughed the entire time  
  
**shitlett** : it was funny  
  
**filthy fuck** : idk whether to thank you or punch you  
  
**shitlett** : you do whatever you want baby ;)  
  
**filthy fuck** : SCREAMS  
  
**does allura is nut??** : lance arent u and keith in ur house why are u texting if ur in the same room  
  
**filthy fuck** : [generic excuse]  
  
**pidge yes** : did you just say generic excuse  
  
**CocoChanel™** : you better put a wall between you and keith  
  
**CocoChanel™** : i almost choked on my fuckin mcflurry thanks to you  
  
**filthy fuck:** IT WASNT ME  
  
**does allura is nut??** : dont you mean mcfuckinflurry ( ͡⌐■ ͜ʖ ͡-■)  
  
**shitlett** : nice  
  
**CocoChanel™** : nvm keith can choke  
  
**does allura is nut??:** : LOL  
  
**pidge yes** : tbh i just assumed it was lance  
  
**dont hunk with my heart** : but you dont understand  
  
**dont hunk with my heart** : lance is proud of his farts  
  
**filthy fuck** : YEAH  
  
**pidge yes** : hmm  
  
**pidge yes** : you do have a point  
  
**pidge yes** : i remember the one time the five of us were in lances shitty honda  
  
**filthy fuck** : it was blue and it was great shut up  
  
**pidge yes** : and he told everyone in a panic “guys roll up your windows i think i smell gas”  
  
**pidge yes** : and we did (foolishly)  
  
**pidge yes** : and he let loose one of the worst smelling farts ive ever smelt in my life  
  
**does allura is nut??** : LMFAO  
  
**filthy fuck** : i was so proud of that one  
  
**pidge yes** : the stench haunts my nightmares to this day  
  
**shitlett** : why did you bring that back pidge i was finally learning to heal  
  
**CocoChanel™** : was it really that bad  
  
**filthy fuck** : i had burritos and jalapeno poppers for lunch that day  
  
**CocoChanel™** : you _monster_ _  
_  
**dont hunk with my heart** : you see  
  
**dont hunk with my heart** : if it was lance he would have said something stupid before letting loose  
  
**dont hunk with my heart** : he makes his farts known  
  
**dont hunk with my heart** : it wasnt him  
  
**shitlett** : shit u rite  
  
**shiroDONE:** i was in the front seat of that honda when it happened and lost my sense of smell for a week  
  
**does allura is nut??** : amazing  
  
**filthy fuck** : ikr  
  
**shitlett** : then if lance didnt do it then who did  
  
**shitlett** : [x-files theme]  
  
**filthy fuck** : omfg  
  
**pidge yes** : well if we take account of who was sitting where we could figure it out  
  
**pidge yes** : shiro and allura in the front  
  
**pidge yes** : me hunk and coran in the middle  
  
**pidge yes** : and keith and lance in the back  
  
**dont hunk with my heart** : to smooch ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)  
  
**does allura is nut??** : ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)  
  
**CocoChanel** **™** : no not this again  
  
**shiroDONE** : are we really doing this  
**  
dont hunk with my heart:** YES SHIRO **  
  
****dont hunk with my heart** : why are you trying to stop us? is there something youre not telling us?? something youre trying to hide??  
  
**filthy fuck** : yEAH WHAT IF SHIRO DID IT  
  
**shitlett** : that makes no sense he tried to throw you out  
  
**dont hunk with my heart** : to throw off suspicion... ಹ_ಹ  
  
**shiroDONE** : are you fucking serious  
  
**shiroDONE** : id throw lance out of my car any day of the week  
  
**shitlett** : lol  
  
**does allura is nut??** : lolol  
**  
****filthy fuck** : WHY PAPI  
  
**shiroDONE** : YOU KNOW WHY  
  
**shiroDONE** : thats it im kinkshaming  
  
**filthy fuck** : j u s t   y o u   t r y   a n d   f u c k i n g   s t o p   m e  ʘ‿ʘ  
  
**CocoChanel** **™** : PUT IT BACK  
  
**pidge yes** : can we hurry this up im tired and full of mcfetus and fries  
  
**dont hunk with my heart** : lmao  
**  
**  
_shiroDONE has changed their name to shiroSUFFERING  
  
  
_**shitlett** : lol  
  
**pidge yes** : lol  
  
**does allura is nut??** : lol   
  
**dont hunk with my heart** : lol anyways  
  
**dont hunk with my heart** : it couldnt have been me, pidge, or coran bc i would have felt the vibration  
  
**CocoChanel™** : gross  
  
**pidge yes** : thats true  
**  
****filthy fuck** : it was keith  
  
**shitlett** : whAT  
**  
****dont hunk with my heart** : do you have evidence? any motive?  
**  
****filthy fuck** : well  
  
**filthy fuck** : no  
**  
****filthy fuck** : but i feel like hed do it bc he figured everybody would blame me  
  
**shitlett** : lies and slander  
  
**pidge yes** : yet it cant be ruled out  
  
**does allura is nut??** : omg its like a real murder mystery  
**  
****dont hunk with my heart** : yeah like who murdered the leather of shiros car seat lmao  
  
**shiroSUFFERING** : im leaving

  
_shiroSUFFERING has left the chat_

  
**pidge yes** : oh no you dont

  
_pidge yes has added shiroSUFFERING to the chat_

  
**pidge yes** : youre a part of this group and we stick together :^)  
  
**shiroSUFFERING** : matt should have left you in the zoo when he had the chance  
  
**pidge yes** : I KNEW THAT FUCKER LOST ME ON PURPOSE  
  
**pidge yes** : HOLD ON  
  
**filthy fuck** : lol rip matt  
  
**does allura is nut??:** waiti wanna hear the zoo story  
  
**dont hunk with my heart** : NOT TONIGHT SCOOB WE HAVE A MYSTERY TO SOLVE  
  
**dont hunk with my heart** : so that leaves out me, pidge, coran, lance, and shiro  
  
**filthy fuck** : wHY SHIRO  
  
**dont hunk with my heart** : shiro loves his car so much that i honest to god think shiro would just  
  
**dont hunk with my heart** : open the door and maneuver his asscheeks   
  
**dont hunk with my heart** : so the fart wouldnt reach the car  
  
**shitlett** : can 100% confirm  
  
**shiroSUFFERING** : hOW  
  
**shitlett** : i knew he wasnt fixing his seatbelt that one time  
  
**dont hunk with my heart** : do you deny it shiro  
  
**shiroSUFFERING** : i plead the fifth  
  
**shitlett** : which means he totally moves his butt off the car seat to fart haha  
  
**filthy fuck** : this is the greatest news of my life   
  
**filthy fuck** : my skin is clear  
  
**CocoChanel™** : my crops are flourishing  
  
**does allura is nut??** : my phonecalls from yoosung have tripled  
  
**shiroSUFFERING** : who??  
  
**does allura is nut??** : nvm its a game dont worry about it  
  
**dont hunk with my heart** : so that only leaves two  
  
**dont hunk with my heart** : and i believe know who it is  
  
**CocoChanel™** : you do?  
  
**dont hunk with my heart** : yes   
  
**filthy fuck** : it was keith wasnt it  
  
**dont hunk with my heart:** shut up lance this is important  
  
**dont hunk with my hear** t: ive been looking at this all wrong  
  
**dont hunk with my heart** : the answer was right in front of me  
  
**dont hunk with my heart** : the person knew how to act innocent and it threw me off   
  
**dont hunk with my heart:** shiro was the one who actually helped me figure it out  
  
**shiroSUFFERING** : what  
  
**dont hunk with my heart** : from the very beginning  
  
**dont hunk with my heart** : shiro pointed out the one person who could have done it   
  
**dont hunk with my heart** : and it was  
  
**does allura is nut??** : it was me lol  
  
**dont hunk with my heart** : GDI ALLURA I WAS GETTING TO IT YOU RUINED IT  
  
**does allura is nut??** : whoops   
  
**filthy fuck** : It w AS yOU? ? ?   ?   
  
**shitlett** : what  
  
**shiroSUFFERING** : w h a t   
  
**CocoChanel™** : ALLURA??? ARE YOU COVERING FOR KEITH  
  
**shitlett** : rude™  
  
**dont hunk with my heart** : I HAD A DRAMATIC BUILD UP AND EVERYTHING  
  
**shitlett** : it was taking up space at best  
  
**dont hunk with my heart** : lance go fart in keiths face right now  
  
**filthy fuck** : BACK UP BACK UP  
  
**filthy fuck** : IT WAS YOU????  
  
**shiroSUFFERING** : was it really you allura  
  
**does allura is nut??** : ya  
  
**does allura is nut??** : couldnt hold it in lol  
  
**does allura is nut??** : i figured everyone would blame lance  
  
**does allura is nut??** : it was pretty funny  
  
**filthy fuck** : YOU WERE GONNA LET SHIRO THROW ME OUT OF HIS CAR  
  
**does allura is nut??** : well i didnt wanna get thrown out it was cold lol   
  
**CocoChanel™** : how could you i was sitting right behind you  
  
**does allura is nut??** : lol   
  
**shitlett** : what was the clue hunk??  
  
**dont hunk with my heart** : no i dont wanna tell you now its all spoiled  
  
**shitlett** : please?  
  
**dont hunk with my heart** : ok so heres when i figured it out  
  
**pidge yes** : it was bc shiro said he felt the fart wasnt it  
  
**dont hunk with my heart** : GDI PIDGE NOT YOU TOO WERENT YOU KICKING MATTS ASS OR SMTHN  
  
**pidge yes** : i hacked his xbox live lol  
  
**pidge yes** : after i murdered him  
  
**dont hunk with my heart** : screw you ruiners im goin to bed  
  
**filthy fuck** : i didnt deserve this  
  
**shitlett** : should we go to bed then or   
  
**dont hunk with my hear** t: oh...  
  
**dont hunk with my heart** : at the same time? ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)  
  
**does allura is nut??** : in the same bed? ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)  
  
**filthy fuck** : bye  
  
**shiroSUFFERING** : allura you could have just told me   
  
**does allura is nut??** : if i said i had to fart would you have made me fart outside the car  
  
**shiroSUFFERING** : well  
  
**CocoChanel™** : omg   
  
**dont hunk with my heart** : this mystery was shit  
  
**shitlett** : scooby dooby doo   
  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [x-files theme] 
> 
> ngl i didnt know where to end it but hey mystery solved (☞ﾟ∀ﾟ)☞


	8. what the fuck is klance

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hey friends im back from the dead can you believe its been two weeks
> 
> i cant wait for voltron season two i cant wait to die lolol hope you enjoy

[7:48 PM] **  
  
  
dont hunk with my heart** : ok this is startin to get sus  
  
**pidge yes** : whats sus  
  
**dont hunk with my heart** : its been almost a whole day and no word from lance or keith  
  
**dont hunk with my heart** : i think theyre fucking  
  
**pidge yes** : well thats obvious  
  
**pidge yes** : i was asking what does sus mean  
  
**dont hunk with my heart** : oh it means suspicious  
  
**dont hunk with my heart** : you gotta learn the lingo bingo  
  
**pidge yes** : im going to throw you into the sun  
  
**dont hunk with my heart** : do it pidge  
  
**dont hunk with my heart** : throw me into the sun like you did to matt  
  
**shiroSUFFERING** : can you throw me into the sun first  
  
**pidge yes** : hey shiro  
  
**pidge yes** : whos the cause of your misery this time  
  
**shiroSUFFERING** : allura  
  
**pidge yes** : lol  
  
**shiroSUFFERING** : she wouldnt stop texting me about keith and lance touching dicks while i was out jogging   
  
**shiroSUFFERING** : her texts were interrupting my playlist the whole time  
  
**shiroSUFFERING** : so now my mood is ruined for at least another three hours  
  
**pidge yes** : tragic  
  
**dont hunk with my heart** : oh ya weve been texting about it all day lol  
  
**dont hunk with my heart** : bet you two whole dollars shes texted coran about it too  
  
**pidge yes** : two whole dollars  
  
**dont hunk with my heart** : its my life savings  
  
**does allura is nut??** : tragic  
**  
** **shiroSUFFERING** : havent you ruined enough of my day  
**  
** **does allura is tragic??** : no lol  
**  
** **dont hunk with my heart** : whats one playlist to a lifetime of klance  
  
**pidge yes** : why are you like this  
  
**dont hunk with my heart** : pidge pls our ship is sailing  
**  
** **does allura is nut??** : god bless #klance  
  
**shiroSUFFERING** : what the fuck is klance  
  
**does allura is nut??** : its keith and lance thats their ship name  
**  
** **CocoChanel™** : get with the program shiro  
**  
** **shiroSUFFERING** : what program???  
  
**shiroSUFFERING** : im????

 **pidge yes** : is that the feeling of regret washing over you shiro  
  
**shiroSUFFERING** : are we talking about today or everyday of my life  
  
**pidge yes** : lmao  
**  
** **dont hunk with my heart** : how long were you lurking coran  
  
**CocoChanel™** : dont flatter this chat hunk i just got home  
**  
** **CocoChanel™** : i had errands to run  
**  
** **does allura is nut??** : he was trying to get away from me  
**  
** **CocoChanel™** : lots of errands

 **does allura is nut??** : bc i kept talking about klance lol  
  
**shiroSUFFERING** : i couldnt even escape  
  
**does allura is nut??** : ok foreal tho shiro havent u noticed the tENSION btwn them  
  
**dont hunk with my heart** : or literally half of our convos on here  
  
**CocoChanel™** : the creepy ass faces these two post  
  
**dont hunk with my heart** : oh coran did you miss them? ( ͡◉ ͜ʖ ͡◉)  
  
**CocoChanel™** : get the fuck away from me

 **shiroSUFFERING** : tbh i just kind of block that shit out 

 **pidge yes** : same  
  
**shiroSUFFERING** : i can see lance and keith are...a Thing  
  
**shiroSUFFERING** : i just don’t care?? at all?? like  
  
**shiroSUFFERING** : i have a million better things to do than wait for two losers to touch dicks  
  
**does allura is nut??** : #blockedt  
  
**dont hunk with my heart** : #unfriended  
  
**does allura is nut??** : #deleted  
  
**shiroSUFFERING** : #good  
  
  
_CocoChanel™ has changed the chat name to #good  
__  
__  
_**dont hunk with my heart** : goddamn _  
_  
**pidge yes** : i cant believe you called them losers  
  
**pidge yes** : i thought i was the only one  
  
**shiroSUFFERING** : pidge have you LOOKED at us  
  
**shiroSUFFERING** : we’re all fucking losers  
  
**CocoChanel™** : speak for yourself  
**  
****shiroSUFFERING** : bitch please youre in this shitshow with us  
  
**CocoChanel™** :  
  
**CocoChanel™** : how dare you  
  
**does allura is nut??** : shiro is out for blood tonight  
  
**shiroSUFFERING** : you ruined my playlist allura  
  
**shiroSUFFERING** : how am i supposed to act like im running away from my problems if i cant listen to twenty one pilots without being interrupted every thirty seconds  
  
**pidge yes:** what do you mean act  
  
  
  
_shiroSUFFERING has sent you got me there.jpg  
_  
  
  
**does allura is nut??** : thats fair lol  
**  
****does allura is nut??** : ill make it up to you?  
  
**shiroSUFFERING** : why do i not believe you  
  
**pidge yes** : since she farted in your car and kept quiet about it for hours  
  
**does allura is nut??** : that doesnt count   
  
**dont hunk with my heart** : wait were getting off topic here lets talk about klance  
  
**pidge yes** : do we really have to  
  
**dont hunk with my heart** : yes  
  
**does allura is nut??** : yes  
  
**pidge yes** : wake me up  
  
**shiroSUFFERING** : wake me up inside  
  
**dont hunk with my heart** : moving on  
  
**dont hunk with my heart** : so we can all agree theyre totally fucking right  
  
**does allura is nut??** : ya  
  
**CocoChanel™** : obviously  
  
**CocoChanel™** : if they arent im going to smack them upside the head for wasting my time  
  
**CocoChanel™** : i didnt sit in a starbucks for three hours with shitty wifi for nothing  
  
**dont hunk with my heart** : is that what you did as errands  
  
**does allura is nut??** : told yall lol  
  
**shiroSUFFERING** : why did you do that to yourself  
  
**CocoChanel™** : escape  
**  
****shiroSUFFERING** : oh right  
  
**does allura is nut??** : you both love me shut up  
  
**does allura is nut??** : ive been texting lance and he hasnt answered me ONCE  
  
**pidge yes** : really  
  
**does allura is nut??** : yes  
  
**does allura is nut??** : that boy act like he so thirsty for me but he aint even text back  
  
**does allura is nut??** : so u KNOW hes up to shenanigans  
**  
****dont hunk with my heart** : sexy shenanigans  
  
**pidge yes** : did anyone text keith  
  
**dont hunk with my heart** : oh that was my job  
  
**shiroSUFFERING** : your job??  
  
**dont hunk with my heart** : ya  
  
**dont hunk with my heart** : allura texted lance and i texted keith to see if theyd answer  
**  
****dont hunk with my heart** : both of them havent ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)  
  
**does allura is nut??** : how interesting ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)  
  
**CocoChanel™** : i will literally pay you $500 to stop that  
  
**dont hunk with my heart** : nah ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)  
  
**does allura is nut??** : what about ur life savings  
  
**dont hunk with my heart** : ill die with my memes thanks  
  
**pidge yes** : pay me $500 and ill leave this chat forever  
  
**shiroSUFFERING** : same  
  
**pidge yes** : buy my silence coran  
  
**CocoChanel™** : nvm  
  
**CocoChanel™** : let me know when klance is canon so we can talk about somethin else bye  
  
  
  
_CocoChanel™ has left the chat  
  
  
  
_**does allura is nut??** : WAIT   
  
**pidge yes** : shiro nows our chance  
  
**shiroSUFFERING** : shit u rite  
  
  
  
_pidge yes has left the chat_  
  
  
  
_shiroSUFFERING has left the chat_  
  
  
  
**does allura is nut??:** IMFUCKENG  
  
**does allura is nut??** : u know what  
  
**does allura is nut??** : hunk we have to get to the bottom of this ourselves  
  
**dont hunk with my heart** : what  
  
**does allura is nut??:** were goin to lances house   
  
**does allura is nut??** : to confirm that klance is canon  
  
**dont hunk with my heart** : gimme 5 minutes im bringing my back up camera  
  
**does allura is nut??** : ill pick you up in 6

  
  
_does allura is nut?? has left the chat_  
  
  
  
_dont hunk with my heart has left the chat_  
  
  
  
**filthy fuck** : what the fuck  
  
**shitlett:** how much did we smoke   
  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> is klance canon? stay tuned


	9. canon confirmed

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ok so technically it hasnt been another two weeks bUT
> 
> here we are
> 
> canon confirmed ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

_filthy fuck has added does allura is nut?? dont hunk with my heart, CocoChanel™ shiroSUFFERING, pidge yes to the chat_

  
[10:22AM] 

 **filthy fuck** : THIS IS A CALLOUT CHAT  
  
**filthy fuck** : FIRST OF ALL HOW DARE YOU LEAVE THE CHAT I LOVINGLY MADE FOR US  
  
**filthy fuck** : ITS RUDE AND ITS A PAIN THE ASS TO ADD EVERYONE BACK HERE  
  
**shitlett** : thats what you address first?  
  
**filthy fuck** : KEITH PLEASE  
  
**filthy fuck** : I HAVE CALLING OUT TO DO  
  
**does allura is nut??** : i bet youve been saying keith please before we got there lolol  
  
**filthy fuck** : SECONDLY, ALLURA, HUNK  
  
**filthy fuck** : WHAT THE FUCK  
  
**filthy fuck** : YOU BROKE INTO MY HOUSE  
  
**pidge yes** : why does this sound familiar  
  
**filthy fuck:** YOU INVADE MY PRIVACY  
  
**shitlett** : you almost stepped on my bong  
  
**filthy fuck:**  
  
**filthy fuck** : okay  
  
**filthy fuck** : YOU ALMOST STEPPED ON KEITHS SHITTY BONG  
  
**shitlett** : hEY  
  
**filthy fuck** : YOU TAKE DOZENS OF PICTURES OF ME FOR NO REASON WITH THE FLASH ON  
  
**filthy fuck** : I WAS HIGH AS BALLS  
  
**filthy fuck** : I LITERALLY THOUGHT THE ALIENS WERE COMING TO TAKE ME  
  
**shitlett** : same  
  
**shitlett** : think i cried at least twice  
  
**does allura is nut??** : keith you cried the entire time since we came through the door  
  
**dont hunk with my heart** : yeah dude you kept wiping your face on lances shoulder  
  
**pidge yes** : ya nasty  
  
**filthy fuck** : QUIET FETUS  
  
**pidge yes** : thats mcfetus to u  
  
**shitlett** : no its mcfetus™  
  
**filthy fuck** : nOT HeLpiNG  
  
**CocoChanel™** : this is what you added me back for  
  
**dont hunk with my heart** : really lance  
  
**dont hunk with my heart** : no reason ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)  
  
**filthy fuck** : hunk  
  
**dont hunk with my heart** : so you say i took 53 pictures for “no reason” ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)  
  
**dont hunk with my heart** : i think its time to show the chat what we’ve seen last night  
  
**filthy fuck** : HUNK NO  
  
  
  
_dont hunk with my heart has sent RECEIPTS.jpg_  
  
  
  
_dont hunk with my heart has sent KLANCE IS CANON.jpg_  
  
  
  
_dont hunk with my heart has sent CRADLED IN HIS ARMS.jpg_  
  
  
  
_dont hunk with my heart has sent DAN LANCE UR HICKEYS.jpg_  
  
  
  
_dont hunk with my heart has sent WHY IS KEITH STILL CRYING LOL.jpg  
  
  
_

**pidge yes** : im saving these  
  
**CocoChanel™** : pls tell me youre not sending all 53 pictures  
  
**dont hunk with my heart** : nah most of them are blurry tbh bc they kept moving lol  
  
**filthy fuck** : HWAT???? THE HECKIE IS THIS????????  
  
**shitlett** : we had a bonding moment  
  
**shitlett** : i cradled you in my arms  
  
**filthy fuck** : THOSE R NOT HICKIES  
  
**pidge yes** : yeah and shiro has his life together  
  
**shiroSUFFERING** : lmao  
  
**does allura is nut??** : lmao hey shiro we got the receipts  
  
**shiroSUFFERING** : im surprised lances house hasnt been robbed since everyone can break in so easily  
  
**filthy fuck** : TH EYE PICKED THE LCOCK  
  
**dont hunk with my heart** : THE LCOCK  
  
**does allura is nut??** : COCK SUCKING CONFIRMED  
  
**CocoChanel™** : just let me die  
  
**filthy fuck** : HOMYLY SHIT  
  
**shitlett** : lance  
  
**shitlett:** the gig is up  
  
**filthy fuck** : NO  
  
**shitlett** : cats outta the bag  
  
**filthy fuck** : N SOODO ONNO  
  
**shitlett** : ok ill say it first  
  
**filthy fuck** : NO  
  
**filthy fuck** : fine  
  
**filthy fuck** : ok pals  
  
**filthy fuck** : since ur all dying to know  
  
**pidge yes** : not really  
  
**shiroSUFFERING** : couldnt give two shits  
  
**filthy fuck** : SINCE UR ALL DYING TO KNOW  
  
**filthy fuck** : keith and i  
  
**shitlett** : we’re fucking  
  
**filthy fuck** :  
  
**filthy fuck** : I WAS GONNA SAY DATING  
  
**filthy fuck** : but w/e u do u i guess catch me texting my RICH korean bf  
  
**shitlett** : we are dating tho i literally asked you out before we got high last night  
  
**shitlett** : but i thought everyone was more focused on the fucking part right  
  
**shitlett** : whos the rich korean bf????? im broke?????  
  
**filthy fuck** : its a game dont worry about it  
  
**CocoChanel™** : i mean we all p much knew so  
  
**CocoChanel™** : HOLY SHIT THATS FUCKGING LOUD  
  
**CocoChanel™** : ALLURA WHAT THE FUCK  
  
**shitlett** : ??  
  
**CocoChanel™** : SHES SCREECHING I CAN HEAR HER FROM DOWN THE HALL  
  
**does allura is nut??** : THEY ACTUALLY SAID IT  
  
**does allura is nut??** : CANON CONFIRMED ITS TIME FOR SHOTS  
  
**dont hunk with my heart** : i can die happy  
  
 **dont hunk with my heart** : my ship is canon  
  
**dont hunk with my heart** : sweet virginal lance is finally getting some after all these years  
  
**filthy fuck** : H UNK  
  
**does allura is nut??** : WHAT  
  
**pidge yes** : knew it lol  
  
**shiroSUFFERING** : same with keith lmao  
  
**pidge yes** : haaa  
  
**filthy fuck** : NO NON O THIS IS MY CALLOUT CHAT YOURE ALL TERRIBLE FRIENDS HOW OCUDLY YOU  
  
**dont hunk with my heart** : im sorry it slipped out im just so proud of you  
  
**filthy fuck** : HUNK WEARS CURLERS TO BED  
  
**does allura is nut??** : whAYT  
  
**dont hunk with my heart:** LANCE YOU SAID YOUD NEVER TELL  
  
**filthy fuck** : AND PIDGE IS THE ONE WHO KEEPS STEALING SHIROS DORITOS WHEN THEY COME OVER  
  
**shiroSUFFERING** : i thought it was matt all this time…  
  
**shiroSUFFERING** : ive been purposely de-alphabetizing his DVD collection for years bc i thought it was him  
  
**pidge yes** : omg hes beEN BLAMING ME FOR THAT I KNEW IT WAS YOU  
  
**shiroSUFFERING** : BUY YOUR OWN DORITOS PIDGE  
  
**filthy fuck** : SHIROS BEEN USING ALLURAS MOISTURIZER FOR WEEKS  
  
**does allura is nut??** : i kNEW I WAS RUNNING OUT  
  
**dont hunk with my heart** : lance wh y  
  
**filthy fuck** : IF IM GOIN DOWN UR ALL GOIN DOWN WITH ME  
  
**does allura is nut??:** goin down on keith amirite  
  
**shitlett** : allura sniffs shiros deodorant whenever she comes over while shiros still asleep  
  
**shiroSUFFERING** : wait what  
  
**does allura is nut??** : i trusted you  
  
**shitlett** : shes been hiding corans favorite shirt bc she thought it was funny  
  
**CocoChanel™** : IVE BEEN LOOKING FOR THAT SHIRT FOR SIX MONTHS   
  
**does allura is nut??** : i was goING TO GIVE IT TO YOU AS A CHRISTMAS PRESENT  
  
**CocoChanel™** : WHO DOE S TAH T  
  
**shitlett** : i knew pidge has been stealing shiros doritos bc i catch them and receive a handful for my silence  
  
**pidge yes** : THEY NEVER HAVE THE COOL RANCH WHEN I GO TO THE STORE  
  
**shiroSUFFERING** : YES BC I KEEP BUYING THEM WHEN THEY GO MISSING  
  
**dont hunk with my heart** : you buy COOL RANCH??????  
  
**shiroSUFFERING** : tf you gotta say about cool ranch hunk  
  
**dont hunk with my heart** : nothing its just fuCKGIN disgusting;;  
  
**shiroSUFFERING** : u wanna do this outside  
  
**dont hunk with my heart** : ????? dude im home   
  
**pidge yes** : im calling matt right now and telling him that it was you shiro  
  
**shiroSUFFERING** : im putting my doritos on the cabinet above the fridge  
  
**pidge yes** : you motherfucker  
  
**CocoChanel™** : ive went to the club looking like a schmuck for WEEKS bc i couldnt find my gucci shirt ive been telling everyone about  
  
**does allura is nut??** : shiro you could have asked for a bottle  
**  
****shiroSUFFERING** : im sorry ive been too lazy to buy my moisturizer and your chanel sublimage la creme is liquid gold  
**  
****does allura is nut??** : i know  
  
**CocoChanel™** : dont ignore me i will throw that la creme out  
  
**does allura is nut??** : nO  
  
**CocoChanel™** : give me back my fuckign sHIRT ALLURA  
  
**does allura is nut??** : WAIT UNTIL CHRISTMAS  
  
**CocoChane** l **™** : im taking the cream and wait till ur face crack  
  
**does allura is nut??** : nOT IF I GET TO THE BATHROOM IFTRST  
  
**CocoChanel™** : BNASKDFHLSAAfbgvdfghf;[P][  
  
**shiroSUFFERING** : wait allura why do you sniff my deoderant  
  
**pidge yes** : why do you never buy TWO BAGS OF DORITOS SHIRO  
  
**dont hunk with my heart** : why do you eat garbage   
  
**dont hunk with my heart** : love yourselves, love your taste buds  
  
**shiroSUFFERING** : ill snatch the curlers out your scalp hunk  
  
**pidge yes** : you cant even snatch another bag of chips tf you gonna do to hunk   
  
**shiroSUFFERING** : im getting in the car, see u punks in five  
  
**dont hunk with my heart** : what??????  
  
**pidge yes** : whSTS no IM GETTING MATT TO HELP NME  
  
**dont hunk with my heart** : i thought u murdered him n threw him into the sun  
  
**pidge yes** : HIS DEATH HAS BEEN REVOKED  
  
**shitlett:** look at what youve done lance  
  
**filthy fuck** : no no  
  
**filthy fuck** : look at what _we've_ done  <3  
  
**shitlett** : <3  
  
**shitlett** : this is the groupchat discourse we prophesied  
  
  
  
_filthy fuck has changed the chat name to The Discourse™  Strikes Back_

  
  
  
**filthy fuck** : lmao  
  
**shitlett** : lmao 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> you've asked for klance but nobody asked for this


	10. cruel and unusual punishment

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> what follows after

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> so...hey  
> jazz hands  
> sorry its been...checks calendar TWO MONTHS WOW YEAH, REALLY SORRY  
> life got in the way, like, a lot. and then writers block finally came for me  
> i wasnt sure where to go from here?? but?? here we are??  
> also shout out to my homie mabel for giving me ideas and inspo!!! love you lots!  
> hope yall still like this  
> anYWAYS HERE WE GO

[11:28 AM] **  
** **  
** **dont hunk with my heart** : pidge is it ok if i run to ur house like right now  
  
**pidge yes** : no  
  
**dont hunk with my heart** : PIDGE PLS  
  
**dont hunk with my heart** : WE DONT LIVE THAT FAR FROM EACH OTHER SHIRO COULD BE HERE ANY MINUTE  
  
**pidge yes** : but what if he shows up right behind you after i open the door to let you in  
  
**dont hunk with my heart:**  pidgeon im begging you  
  
**dont hunk with my heart** : i still have my curlers on i dont want them to get snatched  
  
**pidge yes** : wait  
  
**pidge yes** : what exactly do you Wear the curlers for  
  
**dont hunk with my heart** : did u think my beautiful front locks are just naturally that majestic and round  
  
**pidge yes** : honestly yes  
  
**dont hunk with my heart** : awwww  
  
**dont hunk with my heart** : please let me go to ur house im already kind of running in the street  
  
**pidge yes** : wHAT  
  
**dont hunk with my heart** : I PANICKED  
  
**pidge yes** : SO YOURE RUNNING IN THE STREETS JUST TEXTING ON YOUR PHONE???????  
  
**dont hunk with my heart** : ITS CALLED MULTITASKING PIDGE  
  
**pidge yes** : I CANT BELIEVE YOU  
  
**pidge yes** : DID YOU EVEN BRING YOUR COAT ITS 50 DEGREES  
  
**dont hunk with my heart** : OBVIOUSLY  
  
**dont hunk with my heart** : DONT ACT LIKE UR NOT ATTACHED TO UR PHONE I KNOW U TEXT ON THE TOILET  
  
**pidge yes** : you cant prove that  
  
**dont hunk with my heart** : iev sEEN YU  
  
**dont hunk with my heart** : dont blame me when u get pinkeye  
  
**pidge yes** : im not letting you in  
  
**dont hunk with my heart** : pidge pls  
  
**dont hunk with my heart** : im in front of ur door  
  
**pidge yes** : no  
  
**dont hunk with my heart** : fine ill just keep ringing ur doorbell til u get sick of it and let me in  
  
**pidge yes** : wait  
  
**pidge yes:** youre messaging me in a different chat right  
  
**dont hunk with my heart** : what  
  
**pidge yes** : you  
  
**pidge yes** : youre not messaging me in tHE GROUP CHAT RIGHT  
  
**dont hunk with my heart** : uh  
  
**shiroSUFFERING** : :^)  
  
**dont hunk with my heart** : sHIT  
  
**dont hunk with my heart** : I FUCKED UP  
  
**pidge yes** : YOU FUCKED UP  
  
**shiroSUFFERING** : you fucked up  
  
**dont hunk with my heart** : LET ME IN PIDGE WE CAN BLOCK THE DOOR IF THERES TWO OF US  
  
**pidge yes** : wAIT NO I SEE SHIROS CAR FROM THE WINDOWWAed  
  
**dont hunk with my heart** : hsdahjas.zdksdvsdffelRQG$%%%$  
  
**pidge yes** : youveae doomed us tboth  
  
[12:46 PM]  
  
**filthy fuck** : do you hear that keith  
  
**filthy fuck** : the birds are chirping  
  
**filthy fuck** : the sun is shining bright  
  
**filthy fuck** : the skies are clear  
  
**filthy fuck** : what a beautiful day to be petty  
  
**shitlett** : u do know this is gonna bite us in the ass rite  
  
**filthy fuck** : oh yeah were fucked but it was worth it  
  
**filthy fuck** : also stop hogging the blankets my feet are cold  
  
**shitlett** : ur sitting right next to me u could have asked  
  
**shitlett** : u know like  
  
**shitlett** : out loud  
  
**filthy fuck** : yet ur also messaging me silently  
  
**filthy fuck** : admit it, its fun  
  
**shitlett** : i guess  
  
**filthy fuck** : plus my throat is still sore ;)  
  
**shitlett** : ha ;)  
  
**pidge yes** : just fuck off and die  
  
**filthy fuck** : welcome back fetus  
  
**shitlett** : the mcfetus™ is alive  
  
**shitlett** : shockingly  
  
**pidge yes** : just barely  
  
**pidge yes** : no thanks to u  
  
**filthy fuck** : I Have Done Nothing Wrong  
  
**pidge yes** : LANCE I SWEAR TO GOD  
  
**pidge yes** : do u know what shiro did to me  
  
**pidge yes**   do U KNOW  
  
**filthy fuck** : no but i bet ur goin to tell us in an angry fashion  
  
**pidge yes** : fuck you  
  
**filthy fuck** : lolol  
  
**pidge yes** : he drove to my house  
  
**pidge yes** : attacked hunk bc hUNK DOESNT KNOW WHEN TO OPEN A NEW CHAT  
  
**dont hunk with my heart** : YOU COULD HAVE LET ME IN AND WE COULD HAVE BANDED TOGETHER  
  
**filthy fuck** : oh yeah we read that a while ago that was funny lol  
  
**pidge yes** : you didnt even try to warn us  
  
**shitlett** : and ruin the fun  
  
**pidge yes** : i hate u both  
  
**shitlett** : nah  
  
**pidge yes:**  just wait til i get u both back  
  
**pidge yes** : ill do u worse than what shiro did to me  
  
**shitlett** : what did he do exactly  
  
**pidge yes** : he  
  
**shitlett** : he??   
  
**pidge yes** : he handed over my “punishment” to matt  
  
**shitlet** t **:** oh god wow  
  
**filthy fuck** : it couldnt have been that bad  
  
**pidge yes** : matt gave me a net ban and curfew for two weeks  
  
**pidge yes** : AT 11PM  
**  
** **pidge yes** : A CURFEW  
  
**pidge yes** : DO U UNDERSTAND WHAT HES DOING TO ME  
  
**filthy** **fuck** : making you sleep earler?  
  
**pidge yes** : FORCING ME TO  
  
**filthy fuck** : ok but you can like  
  
**filthy fuck** : not  
  
**filthy fuck** : do that  
  
**pidge yes** : DONT U THINK IVE THOUGHT OF THAT  
  
**pidge yes** : and do u know what matt told me  
  
**shitlett** : no, we werent there  
  
**pidge yes** : keith i swear to gOD   
  
**pidge yes** : matt said, word for word  
  
**pidge yes** : "if i catch you past your bedtime i will read out loud your 22 page erotic harry potter hermione slash viktor krum fanfiction from when you were 16"  
  
**pidge yes** : HE HAS IT PRINTED OUT AND ON A FLASHDRIVE HIDDEN SOMWEHERE THERES NOTHING I CAN DO IVE LITERALLY LOOKED EVERYWHERE AND I STILL CANT FIND IT  
  
**filthy fuck** : 22 pages  
  
**dont hunk with my heart** : amazing  
  
**shitlett** : how did he even find that  
  
**pidge ye** s: FUCK IF I KNOW  
  
**dont** **hunk** **with** **my** **heart** : oh hows hunk doing  
  
**dont hunk with my heart** : im fine, im fine, thanks for asking everyone  
  
**filthy fuck** : did he really snatch the curlers out of ur hair  
  
**dont hunk with my heart** : YES LANCE, NO THANKS TO U   
  
**dont hunk with my heart** : it all happened so fast  
  
**dont hunk with my heart** : he just snatched my curlers like it was nothing  
  
**dont hunk with my heart** : my head still hurts  
  
**dont hunk with my heart** : over a potato chip flavor  
  
**filthy fuck** : hunk u gave me the stinkeye for a week when i finished off ur sunchips  
  
**dont hunk with my heart** : I WAS SAVING THEM FOR CLASS AND U ATE THEM  
  
**pidge yes** : HUNK U HAVE NO ROOM TO TALK AT LEAST U DONT HAVE A CURFEW  
  
**pidge yes** : ME, AN INTELLECTUAL  
  
**pidge yes** : A CURFEW  
  
**pidge yes** : BY NET BAN  
  
**pidge yes** : THIS IS CRUEL AND UNUSUAL PUNISHMENT  
  
**shiroSUFFERING** : hey gang  
  
**pidge yes** : SHIRO U MOSNTER  
  
**dont hunk with my heart** : MONSTER  
  
**shitlett** : shouldnt it be worrisome that  
  
**shitlett** : ur actually forcing pidge to actually sleep at a decent hour?  
  
**shitlett** : as punishment  
  
**shiroSUFFERING** : and?  
  
**pidge yes** : I HATE U I WANT A NEW DAD  
  
**shiroSUFFERING** : you sound angry  
  
**pidge yes** : IM FURIOUS  
  
**shiroSUFFERING** : hi furious  
  
**pidge yes** : NO   
  
**shiroSUFFERING** : im dad :^)  
  
**pidge yes** : KDHKFBERHKSBFDKHFJHG;ILJDF;LGDHKy{  
%U E4W5[UI R

T6JUDRJHLX;HN  
  
**shitlett** : pidge....dont u already…..have….a dad??  
  
**filthy fuck** : keith did u start smoking when i went to pee  
  
**shitlett** : nope no idea what ur talking abotu  
  
**dont hunk with my heart** : shIRro WHY ARENT U PUNICHING UR STONER ASS BROTHER STOTO  
  
**shiroSUFFERING** : oh i am  
  
**shitlett** : puniching  
  
**filthy fuck** : stoto  
**  
** **dont hunk with my heart** : I TAKE IT BACK I WISH KLANCE WASNT CANON  
  
**dont hunk with my heart** : not rlly im just lyin to myself  
  
**shitlett** : too late  
  
**filthy fuck** : were totally going on a date this week  
  
**filthy fuck** : im bringing flowers  
  
**shitlett** : im bringing chocolates  
  
**filthy fuck** : aww really?  
  
**shitlett** : well i dont wanna not give u a gift its our first date i wanna like   
  
**shitlett** : do it right and  
  
**shitlett** : ik ur gonna try and sweep me off my feet but i wanna try that for u too?? kinda?  
  
**filthy fuck** : brb kissing keith senseless  
  
**dont hunk with my heart** : u can do it physically i dont see why not  
  
**dont hunk with my heart** : u can literally just  
  
**dont hunk with my heart** : sweep ur legs under lances feet  
  
**dont hunk with my heart** : and he'll go down timber  
  
**shitlett** : why didnt i think of that  
  
**filthy fuck** : moment ruINED  
  
**shiroSUFFERING** : brb uploading my revenge  
  
**pidge yes** : i hate this family  
  
**dont hunk with my heart** : btw has anyone heard from allura or coran?  
  
**pidge yes** : theyre probably in a mexican standoff   
  
**does allura is nut??** : **a n d  i  w  o n (◞≼◉ื≽◟ ;益;◞≼◉ื≽◟)Ψ**  
  
**dont hunk with my heart** : JESUS FUCKIN CHRIST

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> DONT WORRY THERES MORE COMING, PROMISES WILL BE DELIVERED I SWEAR PLS LOVE ME


	11. the blatant disrespect

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> and life goes on

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> haha so guess who styaed up til 4am writing this i have to wake up in 6 hours or so help
> 
> so i am taking this perfect moment to thank you all for your kudos and comments! just wow!! the amount of support on this crack fic brings tears to my eyes if i could blink at the moment. thank you and i hope you keep enjoying this fic !

[1:33 PM]  
  
**dont hunk with my heart**   allura can u not scare the shit out of me like that  
  
**pidge yes** : what the hell was that face even  
  
**does allura is nut??** : **m y  v i c t o r y  f a c e**  
  
**filthy fuck** : can u stop that  
  
**does allura is nut?** : **n o**  
  
**shiroSUFFERING** : pls ur scaring the children  
  
**does allura is nut??** : fine daddy  
  
**shiroSUFFERING:**  dont  
  
**filthy fuck** : papi is ashamed of us  
  
**shiroSUFFERING** : i will never accept papi as a name  
  
**pidge yes** : THANKS FOR NOTHING PAPI  
  
**shitlett** : face it shiro u cant win  
  
**shiroSUFFERING** : just u wait keith :^)  
  
**shitlett** : ??????  
  
**does allura is nut??** : i cant wait  
  
**dont hunk with my heart** : where is coran  
  
**dont hunk with my heart** : did u kill him allura  
  
**does allura is nut??** : omg no why tf would u think that  
  
**shiroSUFFERING** : war flashbacks  
  
**dont hunk with my heart** : i can still hear the police sirens  
  
**does allura is nut??** : what  
  
**dont hunk with my heart:**  nothing  
  
**shiroSUFFERING** : nothing  
  
**does allura is nut??:**  squints  
  
**filthy fuck** : are you talking about the time allura curb stomped that one guy and someone called the police on us  
  
**does allura is nut??** : sendak can eat shit and die  
  
**pidge yes** : we never ran as fast as that night  
  
**shitlett** : was that the same time i was so high i thought we were all flying on a hovercraft  
  
**shiroSUFFERING** : the exact same time  
  
**shitlett** : nice  
  
**dont hunk with my heart** : we carried you the whole time  
  
**filthy fuck** : you kept trying to grab my butt which makes more sense now in hindsight  
  
**shitlett** : ur behind was in my sight ;)  
  
**filthy fuck** : marry me  
  
**shitlett** : let me smoke at the wedding  
  
**filthy fuck** : divorce me  
  
**pidge yes** : i imagined you would crash and burn but not this quickly  
  
**dont hunk with my heart** : rude™  
  
**does allura is nut??** : thank god coran had the getaway car ready  
  
**CocoChanel™** : you werent that grateful an hour ago u 2 faced doorknob  
  
**does allura is nut??** : what kind of insult is that  
  
**CocoChanel™** : the best i could come up with in 30 seconds  
  
**does allura is nut??** : thats fair  
  
**dont hunk with my heart** : oh right what happened to u guys??  
  
**pidge yes** : was it really a mexican standoff  
  
**CocoChanel™:**  it was indeed a standoff  
  
**does allura is nut??** : picture me, beautiful and dangerous, holding corans shirt in one hand, scissors in the other  
  
**CocoChanel™**   now picture me, the handsome hero, glorious mustache, moisturizer in hand, holding it out the window over a two story drop  
  
**shiroSUFFERING**   is there a need for this level of drama  
  
**CocoChanel™** : shut up  
  
**does allura is nut??:**  wait ur not the hero  
  
**CocoChanel™** : ur a liar and a thief in this story so iM THE HERO NOW SHUSH  
  
**does allura is nut??** : fine im the winner of the story anyway so it doesnt matter  
  
**CocoChanel™:**  ANYWAY  
  
**CocoChanel™** : we stare each other down for about half an hour  
  
**dont hunk with my heart:**  what  
  
**filthy fuck** : that feels like a long time to hold things in the air like that?  
  
**does allura is nut??** : is it?  
  
**CocoChanel™** : we’ve stared each other down for two hours straight when she was five  
  
**CocoChanel™** : _five_  
  
**CocoChanel™** : this was nothing  
  
**does allura is nut??:** i was preparing to stand there for at least 45 more mins  
  
**CocoChanel™** : just as i was about to call a truce my hand slipped  
  
**CocoChanel™** : and down went the la creme  
  
**does allura is nut??** : and i dunked his shirt in the toilet lol  
  
**pidge yes** : you didnt cut it up?  
  
**does allura is nut??** : the scissors were mostly a bluff  
  
**does allura is nut??** : the shirt was gucci  
  
**dont hunk with my heart** : but putting it in the toilet was no problem for u  
  
**does allura is nut??** : its only water :)  
  
**CocoChanel™** : you brat  
  
**does allura is nut??** : you rAT  
  
**shiroSUFFERING** : how does that make you the winner? didnt la creme perish?  
  
**does allura is nut??** : no my sweet prince  
  
**does allura is nut??:**  it landed safely on the grass!  
  
**CocoChanel™** : missed the pavement by _this_ much  
  
**does allura is nut??**   our la creme is safe  
  
**does allura is nut??** : **and i won** ****  
****  
**shitlettt** : pls  
  
**CocoChanel™** : allura is a sore winner  
  
**does allura is nut??** : idk why ur complaining coran  
  
**does allura is nut??**   the minute dad came home u snitched and now hes buying u a new shirt  
  
**CocoChanel™:**  hes buying me three new shirts, tyvm  
  
**shiroSUFFERING** : wow thats  
  
**dont hunk with my heart** : nice of him  
  
**shiroSUFFERING** : yeah  
  
**filthy fuck:**  so allura how long have ur dad and coran been fucking  
  
**does allura is nut??** : WHAT  
  
**CocoChanel™** : LANCE CORANIC MECHANIC THE THIRD  
  
**CocoChanel™** : HOW DARE YOU  
  
**filthy fuck** : i mean am i right  
  
**CocoChanel™** : no and it aint your mf business  
  
**does allura is nut??** : they would have told me so id have the chance to move out, immediately, right that second, im not listening to the sound of old wrinkly balls slapping together  
  
**CocoChanel™** : FOR GODS SAKE ALLURA IM ONLY 37  
  
**does allura is nut??** : YEAH 8 YEARS AGO  
  
**shiroSUFFERING** : the old part is what hes upset about smh  
  
**shitlett** : wait why is lance the third  
  
**CocoChanel™** : bc my cats the second  
  
**pidge yes** : you have a cat?  
  
**CocoChanel™** : yes her name is lila and shes beautiful but in my heart shes coranic mechanic the second  
  
**dont hunk with my heart** : what an interesting life you lead  
  
**shitlett** : i wanna see the cat  
  
  
_CocoChanel™_ _has sent sweet lila.jpg_  
  
  
**shitlett** : ive been blessed  
  
**filthy fuck** : my memes are flourishing  
  
**dont hunk with my heart** : my skin is clear  
  
**pidge yes** : my sight is restored  
  
**shiroSUFFERING** : my bank account is full  
  
**does allura is nut??** : my hourglass count is now 500  
  
**shiroSUFFERING** : but that doesnt explain why lance is down the line  
  
**CocoChanel™** : hes like a second child to me  
  
**filthy fuck:**  REALLY????  
  
**pidge yes** : i always thought that was allura  
  
**does allura is nut??** : as if lmao  
  
**CocoChanel™:**  do you see that  
  
**CocoChanel™** : the blatant disrespect  
  
**filthy fuck** : see papi at least someone loves me  
  
**shiroSUFFERING** : take him and keep him coran  
  
**filthy fuck:** THE BLATANT DISRESPECT  
  
**filthy fuck** : me, the handsome and perfect son  
  
**filthy fuck** : handed off like a sack of potatoes  
  
**shitlett** : i love it when you toss me on the bed like a sack of potatoes  
  
**filthy fuck** : what  
  
**shitlett** : what  
  
**pidge yes** : why  
  
**filthy fuck** : i can do it again  
  
**shitlett** : do it right now  
  
**does allura is nut??** : YEAH DO IT NOW (ʘ‿ʘ)

 **dont hunk with my heart** : RECORD IT PLS N TY ლ(ಠ‿ಠლ)  
  
**CocoChanel™** : CAN WE BAN THOSE FACES IS THAT A THING WE CAN DO  
  
**pidge yes** : GET A ROOM  
  
**filthy fuck** : we’re already in a room  
  
**shitlett** : the chatroom  
  
**filthy fuck** : ayyyyyy  
  
**shitlett** : ayyyyyy lmao  
  
  
  
_pidge yes has changed the chat name to get the fuck out klance  
_ _  
_ _  
_  
**filthy fuck** : shiro control ur child  
  
**shiroSUFFERING** : you heard them, get out  
  
**filthy fuck** : GASP  
  
**dont hunk with my heart** : haha  
  
**CocoChanel™:**  and take ur stoner bf with you  
  
**filthy fuck** : PAPA PLS  
  
**shitlett** : fucking rude™  
  
**dont hunk with my heart** : papa???  
  
**filthy fuck** : shiro will always be papi in my heart  
  
**shiroSUFFERING** : let me die  
  
**shiroSUFFERING:**  oh wait its finally uploaded  
  
**shitlett** : what is  
  
**shiroSUFFERING** : :^)  
  
  
  
_shiroSUFFERING has sent keith also owes me doritos.mov  
_ _  
_ _  
_ _  
_ **filthy fuck** : what is this  
  
**does allura is nut??** : keith r u 12 in this video lol  
  
**shiroSUFFERING** : hes 13 actually :^)  
  
**shitlett** : no  
  
**shitlett** : NO  
  
**shitlett** : DELETE THIS  
  
**filthy fuck** : keith  
  
**filthy fuck** : are those red streaks in ur hair  
  
**shitlett** : no  
  
**shitlett** : no  
  
**shitlett** : no  
  
**shitlett** : no no no no n osHRIO WHERE DID U FIND THIS????  
  
**shiroSUFFERING** : had it still saved on my computer ;^)  
  
**pidge yes** : omg keiths wearing a simple plan tshirt this is a simple plan song  
  
**dont hunk with my heart** : im lowkey surprised you know who that is  
  
**shiroSUFFERING** : same  
  
**pidge yes** : you can blame matt for that  
  
**does allura is nut??** : keith u look so cute why r u hidin ur face under ur hair  
  
**filthy fuck** : bc that was the Look™ even if the music is a lil outdated  
  
**shitlett** : stop watching and what the Fuck do u mean outdated  
  
**filthy fuck** : simple plan is like shiros time  
  
**shiroSUFFERING** : what you tryna say lance  
  
**filthy fuck** : that ur oLD??  
  
**shiroSUFFERING** : im taking u back as my child just so i can smack u  
  
**CocoChanel™** : what you cant just give a child away and take it back this isnt a bag of chips we’re talking about here  
  
**shiroSUFFERING** : itll only take two seconds  
  
**does allura is nut??** : make it five i wanna take a swing  
  
**filthy fuck** : ur all awful parents im emancipating  
  
**shitlett** : simple plan is NOT outdated i will fite  
  
**dont hunk with my heart** : keith ur taking this song very seriously is that a  tear i see rolling down ur cheek  
  
**CocoChanel™** : is that supposed to be dancing or are you jumping around like that on purpose  
  
**shitlett** : uuuuuuuuuuggggggggggggggggghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh  
  
**shiroSUFFERING** : welcome to my life :^)  
  
**dont hunk with my heart** : ur very fond of that face  
  
**shiroSUFFERING** : it has just the right amount of salt  
  
**shitlett** : none of u are gonna let me live this down are u  
  
**filthy fuck** : nope  
  
**pidge yes** : not a chance  
  
**shiroSUFFERING** : so keith i think we’re considered even now with this video what do u say we start off with a clean slate  
  
**shitlett** : delete it fatty  
  
**shiroSUFFERING:**  the blatant disrespect  
  
**does allura is nut??** : is this a Theme or  
  
**dont hunk with my heart** : i guess??  
  
**CocoChanel™** : i miss the bee gees

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> is this funny anymore? even im not sure


	12. mistake messenger

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> here it is. the one about mystic messenger. if you havent played it yet or have no interest in playing, feel free to skip bc it contains spoilers or like, things you may not get? but at the same time if you wanna see lance screaming about a mobile game then cOME ON IN FRIENDS
> 
> SPOILER WARNING: THERE ARE SPOILERS FOR MYSTIC MESSENGER IN THIS CHAPTER!!!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> yall thought i was done hahA NOPE IM JUST GETTING STARTED FRIENDS IM MAKING UP FOR LOST TIME ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)
> 
> THIS ENTIRE CHAPTER IS ABOUT MYSTIC MESSENGER!!!! SO IF THAT AINT UR STYLE ITS COOL IMMA BE BUSY COMIN OUT WITH A NEW CHAPTER SO!!! 
> 
> SPOILER WARNING: THERE ARE SPOILERS FOR MYSTIC MESSENGER IN THIS CHAPTER!!!
> 
> JUST TO LET Y'ALL KNOW!!! JUST IN CASE!!!
> 
> ENJOY!!!

_does allura is nut?? added filthy fuck to the chat_

 

[3:46 PM]

 

 **filthy fuck** : ( /¯ °3° )/¯Hey sexaaayy~  
  
**filthy fuck** : inviting me to a secret chat? ;)  
  
**does allura is nut??** : boi dont even start with ur gay 4 keith ass  
  
**filthy fuck** : am i ever allowed to have fun   
  
**does allura is nut??** : is that even a question ofc not   
  
**does allura is nut??** : im just here to ask u

 **does allura is nut??** : pls change ur name  
  
**does allura is nut??** : im tired of looking at filthy fuck  
  
**filthy fuck** : only if u tell me wtf ur name means  
  
**does allura is nut??** : its  
  
**does allura is nut??** : complicated  
  
**filthy fuck** : how is a meme complicated  
  
**does allura is nut??** : i took two memes and put them together  
  
**does allura is nut??** : one is from a game u never even heard of  
  
**filthy fuck** : ok hipster mcsnowflake

 **filthy fuck** : mystic messenger has been out for like five months now  
  
**does allura is nut??** : HOYLY YOU UFCKING KNOW MM WHY HAVENT TU TOLD ME SOONER??!?!????!?!?!,,,?!?  
  
**filthy fuck** : as if i wouldnt recognize does jumin han is gay

 **filthy fuck** : i thought u knew me better than this  
  
**filthy fuck** : i just wanna know where nut fits in all this  
  
**does allura is nut??** : YOU PLAY MYSTICM MESENGER IM SCREAINMG HOLD ON  
  
  
  
_does allura is nut?? has added CocoChanel™ to the chat_ _  
  
_

 

 **does allura is nut??** : LANCE PLAYS MM  
  
**CocoChanel™** : HOLY SHIT WHICH ROUTE ARE YOU ON

 **filthy fuck** : CO RA N YOU PLAY???

 **CocoChanel™** : I HAV A CHATROOM THAT DOESNT IGNORE ME NOW TYVM  
  
**fitlhy fuck** : boHY MY GOD PAPA PLASE  
  
**does allura is nut??** : OK OK  OK GYS WAIT LETS NOT GET OFF TRACK  
  
**does allura is nut??** : SO CAN WE TALK ABOUT YOOSUNG BC HES A FUCKIN SWEETIE AND I LOVE HIM AND ALSO WHAT IS HAPPENING TO HIM ON THIS ROUTE  
  
**filthy fuck** : idk hwat is happening :^)  
  
**does allura is nut??** : LLANCE  
  
**filthy fuck** : srsly i haevnt touched that kid and he keeps givinng me hearts when im on a diff route its sO WERIRD  
  
**does allura is nut??** : EXCUSE U??? YOOSUNG IS ADORABLE WHYY DON U WANT HIM  
  
**filthy fuck** : I WANT **M O N E Y**  
  
**does allura is nut??** : PLANCE PLS  
  


_filthy fuck has changed their name to plance  
__  
_  
  
**plance** : r u happy now mom  
  
**plance** : im marrying rich to support the family  
  
**CocoChanel™** : yOURE LIVING IN A DEAD GIRLS APAETRTMENT HOW IS THAT MARRYING RICH  
  
**plance** : sHIT IM CHOKGIN.;,  
  
**does allura is nut??** : GDI C OR AN  
  
**CocoChanel™** : IM JUST SAYING  
  
**plance** : FYI im livin it up in jumins penthouse and not in that stank ass dead girl apartment so xxxx  
  
**plance** : hes got a fishtank that reaches the ceiling for fucks sake  
  
**plance** : im never leaving jumin can keep me here 5ever  
  
**CocoChanel™** : oh  
  
**does allura is nut??** : oh  
  
**does allura is nut??** : what day r u on again?  
  
**plance** : uhh day 8  
  
**plance** : why  
  
**does allura is nut??** : oh  
  
  
_  
CocoChanel™ has changed the chat name to yikes  
  
_  
  
**plance** : WHAT  
  
**plance** : what r u not tellin me  
  
**does allura is nut??** : have u been using a guide at all or  
  
**plance** : yah but i stopped checking it after a while bc hello its day 8 i got this in the bag  
  
**plance** : my hopefully new prada bag  
  
**CocoChanel™** : rip u ignorant slut  
  
**plance** : ????????  RUDE™  
  
**does allura is nut??** : just make a save file rn trust me ull owe me and i will cash in on that favor immediately  
  
**plance** : squints  
  
**plance** : whatever  
  
**CocoChanel™** : hold tf up a new chat just opened brb  
  
**does allura is nut??** : wait whose route r u on again  
  
**CocoChanel™** : zen g2g  
  
**plance** : the hot one ofc  
  
**does allura is nut??** : ikr lol  
  
**plance** : i woulda went for him but jumin got that $$$  
  
**plance** : also zen is like all up in my space when i am clearly trying to flirt with jumin han like  
  
**plance** : he called once to tell me he wanted to watch me eat strawBERRIES WHATS UP WITH THAT  
  
**does allura is nut??** : he thirsty no matter the route, but he has a good heart  
  
**does allura is nut??** : yoosung is the best and i will not be convinced otherwise  
  
**plance** : doesnt he like compare u to his dead cousin or smthn  
  
**does allura is nut??** : just bc he confuses me for tHAT SNAKE,,  
  
**does allura is nut??** : doesnt mean he isnt the best lover  
  
**plance** : isnt he also yandere or whatever bc like. he gets u blown up bc he goes coocoo bananas  
  
**does allura is nut??** : Yoosung Has Done Nothing Wrong  
  
**plance** : squints ok   
  
**plance** : jaehee was super sweet tho i wouldnt mind doin her route again  
  
**does allura is nut??** : **_the ending wasnt gay enough_** **  
****  
****plance: TRUE  
  
****does allura is nut??** : how could u not wanna hit jumin han with a cast iron frying pan after what he did on her route  
  
**plance** : $$$$$$$$$$$$$$$  
  
**does allura is nut??** : omfg l ance  
  
**plance** : anyways have u done 707s route?? havent done him yet  
  
**does allura is nut??** : nah im saving him for last bc hes supposed to be Deep   
  
**plance** : i like it deep  
  
**does allura is nut??** : ayyyyyyyyy  
  
**plance** : ayyyyyyyyy  
  
**plance** : ngl i think hes actually lowkey gay for yoosung  
  
**plance** : he always teases him but they also hang out alot?? and theyre like bffs?? i just get this feeling   
  
**does allura is nut??** : i mean  
  
**does allura is nut??** : ur not wrong lol  
  
**plance** : so hypothetically if mc hooks up with jumin han lets say  
  
**does allura is nut??** : oh ofc   
  
**plance** : then its theoretically possible that yoosung and seven hook up after   
  
**does allura is nut??** : yes but theres just one problem  
  
**plance** : ??  
  
**does allura is nut??** : i am going to marry yoosung  
  
**plance** : Ah Yes Of Course How Did I Not See That Coming  
  
**does allura is nut??** : shiro will understand  
  
**plance** : if shiro is competing against a yandere korean in a mobile game idk what his chances were from the start  
  
**does allura is nut??** : omg no you know i love shiro   
  
**does allura is nut??** : and u have no room to talk about yanderes  
  
**plance** : ????? wat  
  
**does allura is nut??** : nvm   
  
**plance:** is it weird that im oddly attracted to unknown  
  
**plance** : he looks kinky af i wanna see that route get on this @ cheritz  
  
**plance** : give me the edgelord  
  
**does allura is nut??** : ur already dating an edgelord remember that simple plan video  
  
**plance** : i have a Type tyvm  
  
**does allura is nut??** : fair enough   
  
**does allura is nut??** : id play unknowns route if we got one  
  
**does allura is nut??** : what about v  
  
**plance** : what _about_ v  
  
**does allura is nut??** : right lmao  
  
**plance** : v: im worried about u mc pls take care  
  
**plance** : also v: dont tell mc about the bomb in the apartment they’ll be fine lmFAO  
  
**does allura is nut??** : OMG RIGHT RIGHT LMAO  
  
**CocoChanel** **™** : v can kick rocks   
  
**does allura is nut** : lolol wb coran  
  
**plance** : i can see why yoosungs always salty when vs in the chatroom lolol  
  
**does allura is nut??** : i will protect yoosung with my life hes my fave  
  
**plance:** jumins my fave he loves cats and hes rich and hes HOT SO??? literally no downside to this  
  
**CocoChanel** **™:** about that **  
**  
**does allura is nut??** : wait  
  
**plance** : ??  
  
**does allura is nut??** : oh oh hold up i got another email brb  
  
**plance** : k imma grab somethin to eat ttyl  
  
**CocoChanel™** : i just come back and you leave ok thats fine   
  
**does allura is nut??** : was there anything you wanted to say  
  
**CocoChanel™:** i want "zen" hyun ryu to step on me with his motorcycle boots  
  
**does allura is nut??** : bye  
  
[6:48PM]  
  
**plance** : WHAT THE FUCK WAS TAHT  
  
**plance** : WHY DIDNT U BITCHES TELL ME THIS WAS GONNA HAPPEN  
  
**does allura is nut??** : u got the bad ending rite lol  
  
**does allura is nut??** : did u save  
  
**plance** : YA BUT AT THIS POINT I DONT THINK I CAN BACKTRACK TO GET A GOOD ENDING ANYWAY SO ITS USELESS  
  
**plance** : I DONT UNDERATDDAND HEW AS SUPER NICE AND SUDDENLY ITS LIKE I WALKED INTO A BDSM FILM WHAT HAPPEEMED  
  
**CocoChanel™** : you fucked up kiddo  
  
**plance** : BUT I WAS DOING SO WELL  
  
**plance** : I AGREED WITH HIM AND NEVER SAID I WANTED TO GO BACK TO THE APARTMENT  
  
**does allura is nut??** : mistake one  
  
**plance** : MYSTIC MESSENGER WAS THE MISTAKE  
  
**CocoChanel™** : you shoulda picked zen js  
  
**plance** : HSUT UP CAREN  
  
**CocoChanel™** : caren  
  
**does allura is nut??** : hsut up caren  
  
**CocoChanel™** : do you even try when you type lance  
  
**CocoChanel™** : h/o  
  
  
  
_CocoChanel™ has changed their name to hsut up caren  
__  
_  
  
**plance** : i h8 u papa  
  
**hsut up caren** : no u dont  
  
**plance** : shit u got me  
  
**does allura is nut??** : plance and caren OTP  
  
**plance** : stop  
  
**hsut up caren** : you know what actually i hate this  
  
  
  
_hsut up caren has changed their name to CocoChanel™  
__  
_  
  
**CocoChanel™** : much better  
  
**does allura is nut??** : so r u gonna try jumins route again or  
  
**plance** : NO  
  
**plance** : do u know hw many FUCKIGN hourglasses i spent on this bitch  
  
**plance** : and now im all tied up which ok is p kinky buT ITS A BAD ENDIGNG SO IM FUCKGN MAD  
  
**plance** : i wanted to get married and pet his cat while i eat fancy grapes watching mean girls on his plasma tv  
  
**plance** : was that so much to ask  
  
**CocoChanel™** : well considering jumin han isnt real its a bit of a stretch  
  
**plance** : i h8 u again  
  
**does allura is nut??** : just try again from ur savepoint and pick the answers that dont scream “put me in a cage and tie me up daddy”  
  
**plance** : SCREAMS  
  
**does allura is nut??** : have u shared these interests with keith  
  
**CocoChanel** **™:** he might go from bong to bondage  
  
**does allura is nut??** : ayyyyyyyyyyy (╭☞ ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)╭☞  
  
**plance** : ohhhhhhhhhhhhhh my goddddddddddddd  
  
**does allura is nut??** : im tellin keith u like to be tied up n spanked  
  
**does allura is nut??** : n blindfolded  
  
**plance** : dont u dare  
  
**does allura is nut??** : im gonna text him rn  
  
**plance** : NO  
  
**does allura is nut??** : can i tell hunk  
  
**plance** : fuck no  
  
**does allura is nut??** : im tellin them anyway  
  
**plance** : im tellin shiro u lick his deodorant  
  
**plance** : he cant trust that u wouldnt now that he knows u sniff it  
  
**does allura is nut??** :  
  
**does allura is nut??** : shit  
  
**plance** : it would seem that we have reached an impasse  
  
**CocoChanel™** : im surprised you know what that word means  
  
**plance** : cant a guy apply spongebob quotes in everyday circumstances in peace damn  
  
**does allura is nut??** : what is with yall and that show  
  
**plance** : its my life  
  
**CocoChanel™** : its just a talking sponge  
  
**plance** : ok caren im gonna pretend i didnt hear that  
  
**does allura is nut??** : ok ok ok o k so i wont tell if u wont tell  
  
**plance** : i mean its not like keith has to know everything im into from the get go  
  
**plance** : i can sprinkle my kinks here and there  
  
**CocoChanel™** : sprinkle your kinks i c ant belevie  
  
**does allura is nut??** : wait so r u sayin u actually like the spanky thing bc i was just playin  
  
**plance** : look @ my previous name  
  
**does allura is nut??** : tru  
  
**CocoChanel™** : can we talk about literally anything else please  
  
**plance** : just accept me for the kinkster that i am  
  
**does allura is nut??** : squints  
  
**does allura is nut??** : rlly lance  
  
**does allura is nut??** : for a guy who couldnt look at a dildo in the face u have a lot of kinks  
  
**plance** : idk what ur talkin about  
  
**does allura is nut??** : pidge told me the rickys story  
  
**plance** :  
  
**CocoChanel™** : i dont wanna know  
  
**does allura is nut??** : so lance hunk and pidge went into a store called rickys which sells makeup and has a back thats full of sex toys  
  
**plance** : ALLURA NO  
  
**CocoChanel™** : i said i didnt wanna know i dont like where this story is going  
  
**does allura is nut??** : so lance keeps teasing hunk and pidge about going in the back and then hunk PUSHES him inside  
  
**plance** : HE THREW ME  
  
**does allura is nut??** : and lance shrieks bc the first thing he sees is a 10 inch dildo and he knocks over like 20 of them trying to get out  
  
**does allura is nut??** : and some of them started vibrating across the floor LMAO  
  
**CocoChanel™** : incredible  
  
**plance** : why must u hurt me like this  
  
**does allura is nut??:** u make it very easy  
  
**does allura is nut??** : also i may or may not have already sent the texts to keith and hunk bc my thumb hit send instead of backspace by accident g2g bye  
  
**plance** : HWAT  
  
**CocoChanel™** : i feel like you type hwat on purpose now  
  
**plance** : IM CALLING THE POLICE  
  
**CocoChanel™** : i dont think allura telling your friends about your kinks is a criminal offense  
  
**plance** : IT IS 100% A CRIMINAL OFFENSE IM GOING TO DIE  
  
**CocoChanel™** : lance coranic please  
  
**plance** : NO U DNT UNDERSYAND I HAVE TO LOCK MY MY DOORS NOW I NEED PROTECTION  
  
**plance** : SO IM TELLIN U BC I TRUST U AND ITS NOT GONNA MATTER IN TWENTY MINUTES ANYWAY  
  
**plance** : I WAS P MUCH BLUFFING BUT NOW THAT KEITH THINKS I LIKE TO BE SPANKED HES EITHER GONNA MAKE FUN OF ME FOR A MILLION YEARS  
  
**plance** : OR ACTUALLY COME TO MY HOUSE AND UNLEASH THE BEAST AND IM STILL IN MY PAJAMAS 

 **CocoChanel™** : unleash the beast  
  
**CocoChanel™** : sounds familiar  
  
**plance** : NOW IS NOT THE TIME TO THINK ABOUT MISTAKE MESSENGER I HAVE A REAL KOREAN WHOS GOING TO RUIN ME HELP  
  
**CocoChanel™** : bet u wish u only had to worry about jumin han now huh  
  
**plance** : STFU CAREN  
  
**CocoChanel™** : rip u ignorant slut

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> yes ik some of u are disappointed that it was only a trio in this chapter but no worries! the gang will be back next chap! and this is not that last youll hear about mm ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)


	13. well well how the turntables

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> so hows lance doin lol

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> h-heyyyyyy fam here i am  
> sorry this came out later than i wanted it to, lemme side step a bit before u throw things at me lolol  
> but the gangs back (╭☞⌐■ ͜ʖ■)╭☞  
> my wifi has been shitty so i kept having to edit, so sorry if the spacing seems off?? believe me ive been doing this like five times lol but hopefully this is right  
> also thank u all for sticking around and leaving lovely comments ur all so beautiful and 2 good for this fic tbh but i hope i can continue to make u laugh or like, exhale thru ur nose and smile for 2 seconds  
> and here it is!!

[10:17 AM]

 

 **plance** : friends

 **plance** : i am a changed man

 **plance** : the lance you knew once before is no more, and the lance who stands before you now is but a shell of his former self

 **plance** : i am renewed

 **does allura is nut??** : its 10am lance im busy

 **plance** : awakened

 **dont hunk with my heart** : wait u changed ur name

 **plance** : baptized with the head of keiths dick  
  
**shiroSUFFERING** : ok ive heard enough

 

_shiroSUFFERING has removed plance from the chat_

 

 **pidge yes** : wait we can do that

 **shiroSUFFERING** : you just saw me do it what does that tell you

 

_pidge yes has removed shiroSUFFERING from the the chat_

 

 **pidge yes** : tells me that u just been muted lmao

 **shitlett** : nice one pidge

 **pidge yes** : thank you  
  
**dont hunk with my heart** : no offense keith but did u break our boy lance  
  
**shitlett** : noah fence hunk but i did nothing of the sort  
  
**dont hunk with my heart** : keith pls

 **dont hunk with my heart** : he was gettin straight up religious in here

 

_plance has joined  the chat_

 

 **plance** : bc sex with keith is a religious experience

 **CocoChanel™** : aaand thats enough of that

 

_CocoChanel™ has removed plance from the chat_

 

 **pidge yes** : lmao i like this  
  
  
  
_plance has joined the chat_

 

 **plance** : my own father  
  
**plance** : trying to stop me from spreading the gospel

 **dont hunk with my heart** : lance r u ok  
  
**pidge yes** : keith what did u do

 **shitlett** : oh u mean if i broke lance  
  
**shitlett** : nah  
  
**shitlett** : i ruined him   
  
**plance:**  destroyed me  
  
**plance** : i will never be the same again  
  
**pidge yes**   nasty heathens

 

_plance has changed the chat name to nasty heathens_

 

 **shitlett** : lol

 **does allura is nut??:**  so my powers were used for good right that means im off the hook  
  
**plance:**  oh no im going to personally delete mystic messenger off ur phone :^)  
  
**does allura is nut??** : ULL HAVE TO KILL ME FIRST  
  
**pidge yes** : what is Happening Here

 **CocoChanel™** : the usual nonsense

 **dont hunk with my heart** : ok thats fair but can u be more specific  
  
**CocoChanel™** : mystic messenger was a mistake

 **dont hunk with my heart** : idk what i expected tbh ( ﾟ ͜ʖ ﾟ)

 **does allura is nut??** : theres a chatroom named yikes thats all u need to kno

 **shitlett** : allura told me lance likes to be tied up and spanked if that clears anything up

 **pidge yes** : and away you go  
  
  
  
_pidge yes has removed shitlett from the chat_

 

 **dont hunk with my heart** : ur having way too much fun with that

 **pidge yes** : not just yet  
  
  
  
_pidge yes has removed dont hunk with my heart from the chat_

 

 **pidge yes** : lmao

_shitlett has joined the chat_

 

_dont hunk with my heart has joined the chat_

**shitlett** : that was fucking rude  
  
**pidge yes** : u laughed when i did it to shiro  
**  
shitlett** : its always funnier if its shiro  
  
**pidge yes** : true  
  
**dont hunk with my heart** : u guys are so mean

 **does allura is nut??** : wait did shiro come back yet LOL

 **shitlett** : i think hes probably in tears knowing hes finally free  
  
**plance** : look at what u did pidge u let him escape

 **pidge yes** : he’ll come back

 **CocoChanel™** : what makes you so sure

 **pidge yes** : bc he loves us

 **plance** : awwwwwwwwww

 

_shiroSUFFERING has joined the chat_

 

 **shiroSUFFERING** : ur all so ugly

 **does allura is nut??** : LMAO 

 **dont hunk with my heart** : welcome back daddy  
  
**dont hunk with my heart** : SHIT I MEANT DAd***  
  
**shiroSUFFERING** : bye

_shiroSUFFERING has left the chat_

 

 **CocoChanel™** : that was fast  
  
**shitlett** : lmfao lets see how many times we can make him leave  
  
**pidge yes** : lets aim for ten  
  
**plance** : hunk im so proud of u  
  
**dont hunk with my heart** : it just came out that way i meant dad daD***  
  
**does allura is nut??** : he deff hates us lmao  
  
  
  
_shiroSUFFERING has joined the chat_  
  
  
  
**shiroSUFFERING** : i just want u to know that im not mad  
  
**shiroSUFFERING** : but im very disappointed in all of u  
  
**pidge yes** : sorry papi  
  
**shiroSUFFERING** : that wont work on me this time

 

 _plance has removed shiroSUFFERING from the chat_  
  
  
  
**plance** : bye papi  
  
**pidge yes** : LMFAO

 **shitlett** : does it count if we removed him  
**  
plance** : does it matter lolol  
  
**pidge yes** : that was the best i dont even care that im sleeping at 11 tonight  
  
  
  
_shiroSUFFERING has joined the chat_

 

 **shiroSUFFERING** : this is cyberbullying    
  
**does allura is nut??** : yeah and  
  
**plance** : WELL WELL HOW THE TURNTABLES

 **shitlett** : its how the tables turn  
  
**plance** : binch do u even watch the office  
  
**shitlett** : not rlly  
  
**dont hunk with my heart** : we should stop kicking out shiro tho lol  
  
**CocoChanel™** : its starting to feel unfair removing everyone  
  
**pidge yes** : by unfair do you mean hilarious

 **plance** : im making u watch the office w me today when u come back

 **shitlett:**  on netflix?

 **plance** : ya

 **shitlett** : then were gonna watch bigfoot's reflection and conspiracies episode 6 

 **plance** : ok  
  
**shitlett** : then unsealed: alien files

 **plance** : why are u like this

 **shitlett** : after what we shared last night  
  
**shitlett** : im hurt

 **plance** : rlly

 **plance** : rlly

 **plance** : ur hurt  
  
**plance** : i have to hold onto something everytime i sIT DOWN  
  
**CocoChanel™** : on second thought  
  
  
  
_CocoChanel™ has removed plance from the chat_ _  
_ _  
  
_ _  
_ _CocoChanel™ has removed shitlett from the chat_  
  
  
  
**shiroSUFFERING** : ive been avenged  
  
**pidge yes** : not really  


_does allura is nut?? has removed pidge yes from the chat_  
  
  
  
**does allura is nut??** : now uve been avenged  
  
**shiroSUFFERING** : marry me

 **CocoChanel™** : bye  
_  
  
_ _CocoChanel™ has removed does allura is nut?? from the chat_ _  
_  
  
  
_CocoChanel™ has removed shiroSUFFERING from the chat_

 **dont hunk with my heart** : why did u do that  
  
**CocoChanel™** : bc im single and bitter

 **dont hunk with my heart** : the madness must end

 

 _dont hunk with my heart has added place, shitlett, pidge yes, does allura is nut??, shiroSUFFERING to the chat_  
  
  
  
**dont hunk with my heart** : ok guys we cant remove each other from the chat anymore this is giving us too much power  
  
**does allura is nut??** : ur rite  
  
**does allura is nut??** : we have to ban removing ppl from the chatroom  
  
**shitlett** : is that a thing we can do  
  
**does allura is nut??** : yes  
  
**pidge yes** : but this was so much fun  
  
**does allura is nut??**   2 bad  
  
**plance** : what if we did it only when we rlly rlly had to  
  
**does allura is nut??** : a strong maybe  
  
**shiroSUFFERING** : and not in the name of cyberbullying  
  
**does allura is nut??:**  shiro pls  
  
**CocoChanel™** : what if u just felt like it

 **does allura is nut??** : eSPECIALLY not bc u felt like it  
  
**CocoChanel™** : bullshit

 **plance** : shut up caren

 **CocoChanel™** : talk to me when you get a good ending

 **plance** : HDFRKHAUWHFLSRHFLDRHGHGU

 **shitlett** : what

 **dont hunk with my heart** : these groupchats are the reason why we cant have nice things

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> tfw u dont know how to end anything so u just ¯\\_ツ_/¯  
> so have yall seen season 2 lol


	14. matthaniel

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> matt joins the chat 15 minutes late with starbucks

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> crawls from the depths of hell whats up fam  
> sorry it took so long, again, like always,  
> you ever just sit down and say youre gonna do the thing and then you look over your shoulder and theres writers block, looming over you, breathing down your neck as you slowly x out of google docs  
> again thank you guys so much for ur love and support for this crack chat fic im so touched  
> hope you enjoy!!  
> (sorry if the spacing is off i did my very best and rich text actually hates me)  
> edit: think i fixed the spacing!

[11:42 AM]

 

 **dont hunk with my heart:** lance im at 711 do u want anything before i swing by

 **shitlett** : get me a slurpee

 **dont hunk with my heart** : what no i didnt text u

 **pidge yes:**  hunk ur typing in the groupchat by accident again

 **dont hunk with my heart** : gdi

 **shitlett** : i still want a slurpee

 **shitlett** : u have to get me one now its rude to ask in front of other ppl and not offer one

 **dont hunk with my heart** : i regret teaching u social etiquette

 **plance** : can i get a twix bar

 **dont hunk with my heart** : now u answer me

 **plance** : i was moisturizing

 **does allura is nut??** : i also want a slurpee

 **CocoChanel™** : see if they have those dots candies

 **dont hunk with my heart** : wait u guys arent even at lances house im not driving these over to u

 **does allura is nut??** : guess again bitch

 **does allura is nut??** : we have decided to come over

 **plance** : why tho

 **CocoChanel™** : alfor changed the wifi password on us bc we’ve been streaming the golden girls for 15 hours straight since it came on hulu

 **plance** : welcome to my home 

 **pidge yes** : i like how we all call lances one bedroom apartment with spongebob curtains covering the windows lances house

 **pidge yes** : makes it homey

 **plance** : the curtains really class it up honestly

 **CocoChanel™:** again with the sponge

 **plance** : just accept my lifestyle papa (9☯╭╮☯)9

 **CocoChanel** **™** : even if i do ill never understand

 **plance** : u can understand zens smoking habits but not my love for a kids show

 **CocoChanel **™**** : zen has done nothing wrong

 **does allura is nut??** : quit it u two what happens in yikes stays in yikes

 **dont hunk with my heart** : its ok lance i always understand u 

 **plance** : bro r u after my own heart bc u already have it

 **dont hunk with my heart** : bro

 **plance** : u know what keith nvm im eloping with hunk

 **shitlett** : no way im not letting a sweetheart like hunk get away from me

 **shitlett** : elope with me hunk we can move to the mountains

 **shitlett** : we'll live a happy life together

 **plance** : not if i elope with hunk and we move to the beach fiRST BINCH!!!!!!!!

 **dont hunk with my heart** : boys pls theres no need to fight over me

 **dont hunk with my heart** : not that im tellin u to stop

 **shiroSUFFERING** : choose me hunk i can bench press you

 **dont hunk with my heart** : ok shiro wins everybody go home

 **does allura is nut??** : i aint even mad shiro is leaving me bc its hunk 

 **pidge yes** : hunk is just too perfect

 **dont hunk with my heart** : aww ty everyone (人 •͈ᴗ•͈)

 **dont hunk with my heart** : btw shiro do u want anything?

 **shiroSUFFERING** : i want my arm back

 **dont hunk with my heart** : yea i got like 12 dollars

 **pidge yes** : did you both just

 **dont hunk with my heart** : ill never stop using outdated memes

 **shiroSUFFERING** : i still want my arm back

 **does allura is nut??** : are we gonna watch golden girls at ur house or nah

 **plance** : we can just not for 15 hours straight

 **does allura is nut??** : then whats the fucking point

 **plance** : wait so r u all coming to my house now or

 **shitlett** : yea

 **pidge yes** : make room on the couch

 **plance** : wait gdi i gotta finish getting dressed

 **does allura is nut??** : have u just been standing around in ur underwear texting the whole time 

 **plance** : yeah duh

 **shitlett:** pics or it didnt happen **  
**

**plance** : nice try keith

 **plance** : solicit nudes from me on ur own time

 **shitlett** : so close 

 **dont hunk with my heart** : mmm whatcha say

 **shitlett** : can we watch national geographic the truth behind the lochness monster again

 **shitlett** : coran fell asleep halfway thru last time

 **dont hunk with my heart** : no

 **pidge yes** : no

 **shiroSUFFERING** : im not strong enough to sit through that twice

 **pidge yes** : shiro you got high with keith and lance during it and cried five times bc you said and i quote

 **pidge yes** : “i wanna be a cryptid too why cant i only exist in theory”  
****

**does allura is nut??** : i remember i gave u a tissue and u just grabbed corans shirt and wiped ur face on it lmao

 **CocoChanel™** : i woke up with shiros smudged eyeliner on my shirt so thats another no from me

 **shitlett** : what about cowspiracy

 **plance** : keith im leaving u and taking the kids

 **shitlett** : dont u dare touch my sea monkeys lance

 **plance** : lance jr loves me more ask him urself

 **shitlett** : what no lance jr loves ME

 **dont hunk with my heart** : excuse me, ur forgetting that lance jr lvoes uncle hunk most

 **pidge yes** : lvoes

 **plance** : lvoes

 **shitlett** : lvoes

 **does allura is nut??:**  lvoes

 **CocoChanel™** : lvoes

 **shiroSUFFERING** : lvoes

 **dont hunk with my heart** : u know what im not eloping with any of u 

 **shiroSUFFERING** : do u guys ever wonder what itd be like if we were normal ass people

 **shiroSUFFERING** : if we had normal ass friends

 **dont hunk with my heart** : nope

 **does allura is nut??** : eh

 **pidge yes** : sometimes

 **shitlett** : i dont have any other friends

 **shiroSUFFERING** : a complete shock to no one

 **plance** : hey thats not fair

 **shitlett** : thank u lance

 **plance**  i was gonna say it first

 **shitlett** : fuck u lance

 **plance** : well if its an invitation

 **shitlett** : i  ‘m

 **shitlett** : i wasnt ready

 **dont hunk with my hear** **t** : this is it, the ship of dreams

 **pidge yes** : still a better love story than twilight

 **CocoChanel™** : if there was ever a sign to make new friends shiro, this is it

 **does allura is nut??** : go shiro, jog with the white people and listen to your twenty one pilots in peace

 **dont hunk with my heart** : be free

 **shiroSUFFERING** : why is that so specific do you really think jogging with white people is what i wanna do

 **plance** : run wild and free

 **shiroSUFFERING** : im not doing any of that 

 **pidge yes** : tell me what its like to interact with people who dont bang on your door at 3am crying about gilmore girls

 **shiroSUFFERING** : leave matt out of this

 **shitlett** : lmao

 **does allura is nut??** : we should add him to the chat and invite him over

 **pidge yes** : no

 **does allura is nut??** : yes  
****

**plance** : r u still mad about the punishment

 **pidge yes** : im still mad he has my harry potter fanfiction somewhere

 **dont hunk with my heart** : thats fair

 **plance** : but u also get the chance to roast him if hes in the chat

 **pidge yes** : This Is True

 **shitlett** : we could just add him i doubt hes busy

 **pidge yes** : im getting ready to go and hes sitting downstairs watching chopped yelling “you forgot the fucking kumquats jason you hack”

 **shiroSUFFERING** : sounds about right

 **shitlett** : wtf are kumquats

 **does allura is nut??** : add him!!

 

_shiroSUFFERING has added matt ketchum to the chat_

 

 **matt ketchum** : WHATS UP FAM

 **plance** : THE MAN

 **dont hunk with my heart** : THE LEGEND

 **CocoChanel™** : what does matt ketchum mean

 **matt ketchum:** it means im the VERY BEST!!!!!!!!

 **does allura is nut??** : matt!!!!

 **matt ketchum** : allura!!!!!

 **does allura is nut??** : i miss u how u been

 **matt ketchum** : oh you know

 **matt ketchum** : gettin bi

 **plance** : AYYYYYYY

 **does allura is nut??** : AYYYYYYY

 **matt ketchum** : AYYYYYYY

 **pidge yes** : matthaniel

 **matt ketchum** : katniss

 **shiroSUFFERING** : oh my god

 **matt ketchum** : is this chatroom the reason why your phone keeps goin off in yoga class lmao

 **shiroSUFFERING** : its been ruining my life so i figured u should join me in this hell

 **matt ketchum** : thanks you know i hate feeling left out

 **shiroSUFFERING:**   were all goin to lances house and probably watch shitty movies wanna come

 **matt ketchum** : you had me at shitty

 **shitlett** : hey matt do u know what kumquats are tho

 **dont hunk with my heart** : i got this

 **dont hunk with my heart** : u see keith kumquats are like these tiny tangerines that are a bit more sour than your average orange but they can also still be sweet

 **matt ketchum** : jason doesnt know SHIT 

 **plance** : see keith thats u, a sweet n sour kumquat

 **shitlett** : ill show u a kumquat when i come over

 **plance** : feisty

 **CocoChanel™** : allura are you sure we cant lift the removing ban

 **does allura is nut??** : no coran u know what happened last time

 **matt ketchum** : should i ask

 **shiroSUFFERING** : dont

 **matt ketchum** : why is the chat name nasty heathens

 **dont hunk with my heart** : mostly bc of klance rlly

 **matt ketchum** : whos klance

 **pidge yes** : the nasties

 **matt ketchum** : what

 **dont hunk with my heart** : shh its ok

 **matt ketchum** : im so

 **does allura is nut??** : just get in

 **matt ketchum** : i dont,

 **plance** : ;)

 **shitlett** : ;)

 **shiroSUFFERING** : save me matt

 **matt ketchum** : i (◕ ͜ʖ◕)

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> matt didnt actually have starbucks my pie hole is a lie hole


	15. get shrekt

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> matt and shiro together again and also shrek
> 
> edit: the links listed in the fic these were actual links to actual videos because i wanted to be accurate and said links have been removed; i didnt forsee people watching the links and i do apologize for anyone (everyone) who have been scarred from watching said videos. there is no god only shrek.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this one is whack also happy belated 420 yall i love u

[7:36 PM]

   
  
_matt ketchum has added shiroSUFFERING to the chat_  
  
  
  
_matt ketchum has changed the chat name to shiro im leaving_

 **matt ketchum** : thank you for including me but im leaving the gc you fed me to the sharks  
  
**matt ketchum** : its been two weeks and i still dont know who klance is   
  
**shiroSUFFERING** : matt no please dont leave me aloen with them  
  
**matt ketchum** : im never coming back :) 

 **shiroSUFFERING** : then take me with you

 **matt ketchum** : dude just leave the chat

 **shiroSUFFERING** : you dont understaddnd  
  
**matt ketchum** : i understand that you have a few typos lol

 **matt ketchum** : are you smoking keiths stash 

 **shiroSUFFERING** : no im takign vodka shots allura said i coudltn do it im provin her wrong

 **matt ketchum** : dont you have a paper due

 **shiroSUFFERING** : shit

 **shiroSUFFERING** : it doesnt matetr

 **shiroSUFFERING** : i wasnever meant to be ad fatehr

 **matt ketchum** : what

 **shiroSUFFERING** : ni w i have 4 kids

 **shiroSUFFERING** : how can i rsaie them when i haev student laosn

 **shiroSUFFERING** : i dont even have a 401 k

 **matt ketchum** : bruh how many shots did you take 

 **shiroSUFFERING** : this many

 **matt ketchum** : what does that mean  
  
**shiroSUFFERING** : im holdignn out my hand cant you see it

 **matt ketchum** : shiro.....  
  
**matt ketchum** : i cant see you thru your phone 

 **shiroSUFFERING** : why not  
  
**matt ketchum:**  you cant be this dumb in 5 or less shots  
  
**shiroSUFFERING** : yiu bitch 

 **shiroSUFFERING** : yyiu dont even have shrek 2 on ddvd yiur collection sucKS

 **matt ketchum** : you fucking take that back  
  
**shiroSUFFERING** : SUCKS

 **shiroSUFFERING** : shrek desrves better  
  
**matt ketchum** : go fuck shrek you ogre furry

 **shiroSUFFERING** : fuck yout matthaniel 

 **matt ketchum** : you dont get to call me matthaniel thats a sibling privilege 

 **shiroSUFFERING** : matteo  
  
**matt ketchum** : stop  
  
**shiroSUFFERING** : mattholomew  
  
**matt ketchum** : how are you typing these names youre drunk

 **shiroSUFFERING** : matthaelangelo

 **matt ketchum** : if i stay in the chat will you stop

 **shiroSUFFERING** : yeah

 **matt ketchum** : will you protect me

 **shiroSUFFERING** : lmfaoo no

 **matt ketchum** : get fucked  
  
**shiroSUFFERING** : get shrekt matt damon

 **matt ketchum** : i hate this

 

[11:50 AM]

 

 **shiroSUFFERING** : my head is pounding my eyes are on fire and i feel like death  
  
**matt ketchum** : you deserve it  
  
**shiroSUFFERING** : i dont deserve anything that happens to me ever

 **shiroSUFFERING** : u didnt even try to stop me

 **matt ketchum** : you were up to like 5 shots in what could i have done

 **shiroSUFFERING** : ur right

 **shiroSUFFERING** : im sorry i called u a bitch

 **matt kechum** : its cool 

 **shiroSUFFERING** : seriously tho buy shrek 2 just have both shrek 1 and 2 i dont see whats so difficult about this

 **matt ketchum** : i am going to find every shrek and shadow yaoi i can find and send it to you

 **shiroSUFFERING** : yeah ok lol  
  
**matt ketchum** : watch me

 

[2:22 PM]

  
**dont hunk with my heart** : think we should change the chat name anytime soon  
  
**pidge yes** : idk nasty heathens has started to grow on me  
  
**plance** : it has a nice ring to it 

 **dont hunk with my heart** : hey lance hows keith

 **plance** : still recovering from 420

 **dont hunk with my heart** : thats what i figured

 **pidge yes** : its been a week

 **plance** : its keith  
  
**pidge yes** : lmao true

 **does allura is nut??** : did u see his snapchat story he legit left cookies and milk for snoop dogg thats dedication  
  
**CocoChanel™:** is that what u call it nowadays  
  
**shitlett** : i sensed someone talking about me im ready to fite  
  
**dont hunk with my heart** : jesus  
  
**shitlett** : Im Ready To Go Someone Take A Swing I Dare You  
  
**plance** : quick somebody grab a pepsi while i hold him off  
  
**pidge yes** : lmao   
  
**does allura is nut??** : lmao  
  
**shitlett** : lmao   
  
**dont hunk with my heart** : pepsi who 

 **plance** : btw hunk ur pot brownies were exceptional

 **shitlett** : amazing

 **dont hunk with my heart** : why thank you 

 **dont hunk with my heart** : i really tried stepping it up this year

 **pidge yes** : thank u for making mine pot free with sprinkles

 **dont hunk with my heart** : anything for a friend  
  
**CocoChanel™** : the sprinkles were a nice touch

 

_matt ketchum has sent a link: https://m.youtube.com/..._

 

 **does allura is nut??** : what the fuck is this  
  
**pidge yes** : no dont click it i dont trust anything he posts  
  
**plance** : im gonna click it

 **dont hunk with my heart** : matt

 **dont hunk with my heart** : matt why  
  
**pidge yes** : gdi matthaniel what did you do

 **matt ketchum** : oh shit wrong chat

 **plance** : shrek and shadow otp  
  
**plance** : weepin real jesus tears  
  
**pidge yes** : you know i wasnt gonna click it but now i feel like i have to  
  
**dont hunk with my heart** : the first image is what gets me   
  
**does allura is nut??** : do u think the ppl at dreamworks wake up in a cold sweat thinking about videos like this 

 **pidge yes** : i think what bothers me most is the piano rendition of every time we touch   
  
**pidge yes** : it doesnt have the same effect as the techno

 **dont hunk with my heart** : same  
  
**matt ketchum** : i can explain  
  
**plance** : idk what u guys r complaining about this is a work of art  
  
**CocoChanel™** : i feel ive aged about ten years  
  
**does allura is nut??** : wait i got a better one h/o  
  
**CocoChanel™:** NO  
  
  
  
_does allura is nut?? has sent a link:_   _https://m.youtube.com/..._  
  
  
  
**does allura is nut??:** shrek is love  
  
**plance:** shrek is life  
  
**shitlett** : i go to take a shit and i come back to this  
  
**shitlett** : u absolute savages  
  
**plance** : its all ogre now  
  
**shitlett** : u shit on my taste in shows and then bring this to the table i call bullshit  
  
**plance** : shh its ok my kumquat   
  
**plance** : just accept this  
  
**shiroSUFFERING:**  mattatouille what did u do  
  
**pidge yes** : mattatouille im screaming  
  
**matt ketchum** : i said id fuckin do it   
  
**shiroSUFFERING** : was it worth it  
  
**matt ketchum** : is anything worth it  
  
**shiroSUFFERING** : u got me there  
  
**does allura is nut??** : shrek is worth it  
  
**shiroSUFFERING** : and allura is right like always  
  
**does allura is nut??** : you know it babe xoxo  
  
**CocoChanel™:** im so tired  
  
**matt ketchum** : all bc i dont have the shrek 2 dvd   
  
**plance** : u WOT  
  
**shitlett** : wow  
  
**dont hunk with my heart** : i cant believe im seeing this with my own two eyes in the year of our lord 2017  
  
**pidge yes:** oh no we have shrek 2 matthaniel just refuses to put sequels in his collection  
  
**matt ketchum** : sequels are for the damned   
  
**shiroSUFFERING** : its shrek 2 it deserves to be an exception  
  
**matt ketchum** : not on your life  
  
**does allura is nut??** : what if someone just,, sticks it in there without u noticing  
  
**dont hunk with my heart** : catch me at 3am sliding shrek 2 in there lol   
  
**matt ketchum** : i will pack our bags book a flight to paris take you sightseeing and throw you into the seine river before i let that happen  
  
**pidge yes** : trust me ive tried  
  
**pidge yes** : i still dont know how shiro managed to de-alphabetize his dvds all these years  
  
**shiroSUFFERING** : i have my ways  
  
**shiroSUFFERING** : jesus i just threw up in my mouth a little  
  
**shiroSUFFERING** : remember kids 7 shots of tequila with only doritos in ur stomach is no good  
  
**does allura is nut??** : im so proud of you  
  
**plance** : my role model  
  
**shitlett** : its too early for this im going back to bed  
  
**plance** : its 2pm  
  
**shitlett** : Its Too Early For This Im Going Back To Bed  
  
**CocoChanel™:** u know matt i pegged u as the only normal mf here in this miserable chat and uve proven me wrong  
  
**CocoChanel™:** congratulations heathen  
  
**matt ketchum** : whats my prize  
  
**pidge yes** : there are no winners here it just means uve hit rock bottom if ur like us   
**_  
_ matt ketchum: **oh   
  
**matt ketchum:** oh my god  
  
**plance:** yeah :)  
  
**shiroSUFFERING:** u should have checked urself before u shrekt urself

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> you know i had to type into google and look these videos up i didnt know there was so much shadowshrek i need to lie down


	16. why are we still talking about shrek

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> edit: oh wow i forgot to add notes to this lol tho there aint much to say except I Literally Could Not Stop Thinking About Shrek And I Still Have No Idea Why. Thank you for your kudos and comments and love for this shit crack fic, it warms my heart. now back to the crack shit.  
> i never took an anatomy class but used google and my imagination my apologies to science

[3:18 PM]

 **plance:** im still thinking about that shrek shadow video  
  
**plance** : that first pic with shadow licking shreks nipple  
  
**plance** : do u think shreks nipple tastes like an onion  
  
**shiroSUFFERING** : i was having a good day  
  
**shiroSUFFERING** : we all were having a good day  
  
**dont hunk with my heart** : it definitely tastes like onion i refuse to accept otherwise

 **plance** : im glad u agree

 **shitlett** : what if u peeled off all of shreks layers and at the end theres only an onion

 **dont hunk with my heart** : dude

 **plance** : thats genius

 **dont hunk with my heart** : kinda gross but i cant argue with that

 **pidge yes** : ogres arent actually made of onions

 **shitlett** : how do u know pidge

 **pidge yes** : theyre ogres theyre made of flesh of bone how would an onion be at its core

 **pidge ye** s: and lets say if, by chance, somehow an onion is at its core, where would this onion be located without affecting vital organs or eventually eroded by gastric acid since the stomach would most likely be the only location big enough to contain this onion  
  
**dont hunk with my heart** : now hang on idk about the eroding part since onions dont technically dissolve even when ur cooking them, they soften up

 **pidge yes** : its gastric acid

 **pidge yes** : a digestive fluid

 **pidge yes** : the onion would eventually break down

 **dont hunk with my heart** : but the onion might not even be diced a whole onion would be much more difficult to break down

 **pidge yes** : how do you know it isnt diced  
  
**dont hunk with my heart** : i have no evidence to say it isnt, but in my humble opinion, it would be fucking stupid if it was a diced onion

 **dont hunk with my heart** : but then again, given the lifespan of shrek which is also an interesting subject since not even wikipedia has his age listed, if he lives long enough for said onion to be digested...

 **shitlett** : but this is assuming that ogres have the same structure as we do

 **shitlett** : theres no specific biological study on ogres and even if u whip out that harry potter or d&d shit this is dreamworks were talking about

 **shitlett** : and shrek takes place in a realm where fairy tales exist so u cant apply our laws of physics and anatomy to a world where donkeys can talk and sleeping beauty changes hair from shrek 2 to shrek 3

 **plance** : she could have dyed it keith

 **shitlett** : it just bothers me its like they didnt even try to be consistent this is why shrek 3 and 4 failed they didnt care who paid attention to the first 2 films

 **shitlett** : but my point is given the magical elements in shrek theres no real reason as to why shrek wouldnt be an onion after all layers are removed

 **shiroSUFFERING** : did any of u take actual anatomy classes or

 **dont hunk with my heart** : if ur not gonna contribute stay out of this

 **shiroSUFFERING** : ok fine if you peel shreks layers and theres just an onion does it make shrek a cannibal if he eats onions

 **pidge yes** : now that would actually make me invested in shrek being an onion at his center

 **dont hunk with my heart** : so ur switching sides bc of cannibalism

 **pidge yes** : it really puts a new light on what shrek says

 **pidge yes** : onions have layers

 **pidge yes** : ogres have layers

 **pidge yes** : its like he knows from first hand experience...

 **plance** : ok imma have to stop you right there if ur suggesting shrek is a double cannibal eating both onions and ogres bc in shrek 3 shrek admits his father tried to eat him as a child and that psychological trauma does not a cannibal make

 **plance** : i refuse to let yall drag shreks character through the mud like this

 **pidge yes** : then what if he learned about the layers from his dad

 **plance** : 

 **plance** : i just got chills

 **shitlett** : idk how we got this far off topic does this mean we all agree shrek is an onion at his core or not 

 **dont hunk with my heart** : i am 100% in agreement

 **pidge yes** : if it makes shrek an onion cannibal i accept this

 **shiroSUFFERING** : if i say yes can we talk about something else

 **dont hunk with my heart** : no :^)

 **plance** : hey everybody

 **plance** : i think were missing something important here

 **plance** : what kind of onion would shrek be 

 **shitlett** : oh shit

 **dont hunk with my heart** : our boi lance askin the real questions

  **plance** : i personally think at center he'd be a white onion like the one that he picked up in the movie but i wanna hear what yall think

 **shitlett** : a yellow onion

 **plance** : interesting

 **plance** : what makes u say that

 **shitlett** : i googled diff types of onions and a wesbite said yellow is americas favorite

 **shitlett** : just like shrek

 **plance** : omg

 **plance** : are u flirting with me bc its working

 **shitlett** : smh

 **shitlett** : if i were an onion id be a red onion

 **shitlett** : the description on the website says its assertive and spicy when raw

 **plance** : o sweet jesus

 **shiroSUFFERING:** really keith

 **shitlett:** Assertive And Spicy When Raw

 **shiroSUFFERING** : stop 

 **plance** : Assertive And Spicy When Raw

 **shitlett** : Assertive And Spicy When Raw

 **dont hunk with my heart** : Assertive And Spicy When Raw

 

_plance has changed the chat name to Assertive And Spicy When Raw_

 

 **plance:** nasty heathens had a good run but i couldnt pass this up 

 **pidge yes** : wait 

 

_pidge yes has changed the chat name to Assertive And Spicy When Nasty_

 

 **plance** : lmfao pidge knows our brand

 **shiroSUFFERING** : jfc

 **dont hunk with my heart** : on another note i think shrek could be a vidalia onion

 **pidge yes** : arent those sweeter?

 **dont hunk with my heart** : yes, and shrek is actually sweet deep down

 **pidge yes** : aww thats cute c:

 **dont hunk with my heart** : im adorable c: 

 **shitlett** : facts

 **plance** : just wanna say ily all for indulging me in my shrek shit

 **shitlett** : ily 2 i could talk about shrek for hours

 **dont hunk with my heart** : aww ily too <3

 **pidge yes** : ily ppl so much even if i dont show it as often

 **shitlett** : awww pidge

 **pidge yes** : <3

 **shitlett** : <3

 **plance** : <3

 **dont hunk with my heart** : <3

 **shiroSUFFERING** : this is the most wholesome moment ive seen in the entirety of this chat

 **shitlett** : tell us u love us too u rat

 **shiroSUFFERING** : why are the tender moments the most fleeting :')

 **plance** : shiro

 **shiroSUFFERING** : i love dying

 **dont hunk with my heart** : fair enough

 **shiroSUFFERING** : i think shreks more of a shallot

 **shiroSUFFERING** : im lookin thru google images and it just speaks to me 

 **shiroSUFFERING** : i can see a shallot bursting out of an outhouse to smashmouths all star

 **pidge yes** : now i cant unsee it

 **pidge yes** : the image of a shallot flung from the outhouse to someBODY has me sold

 **plance** : these are all acceptable answers

 **plance** : i now see that the real onion is the friends we made along the way

 **dont hunk with my heart** : lmao

 **shitlett** : omg thats like shreks journey bc he made friends along the way

 **shitlett** : and hes an onion

 **plance** : bruh

 **shitlett** : ik

 **pidge yes** : i think we've come full circle

 **dont hunk with my heart** : so shrek can be peeled into an onion and that onion can be any onion depending on who sees it bc shrek is our friend

 **plance** : thats it we cracked the code wheres our million dollar grant to pursue this study

 **shiroSUFFERING** : i look at this convo and i cant believe we're not high 

 **does allura is nut??** : are u sure u arent 

 **shiroSUFFERING** : allura i cannot tell you how much i missed you in the past half hour

 **shiroSUFFERING** : and knowing keith its debatable

 **shitlett** : fuck u 

 **plance** : babe he has a point 

 **shitlett** : fuck u 2

 **plance** : ur place or mine ;)

 **shitlett** : I Regret

 **plance** : i have no regrets

 **pidge yes** : no regerts

 **plance** : *i have no regerts

 **does allura is nut??** : is that the fuckin milky way commercial smh

 **dont hunk with my heart** : yo allura u just missed the biggest debate of 2017

 **does allura is nut??** : im devastated

 **shiroSUFFERING** : are you sure

 **does allura is nut??** : ofc i am shrek is love shrek is life

 **shiroSUFFERING** : weeps

 **does allura is nut??** : tho i gotta ask

 **does allura is nut??** : what if u peeled a layer of shrek and its just another smaller shrek in size

 **plance** : 

 **plance** : holy shit

 **shitlett** : this changes everything

 **dont hunk with my heart** : that makes way more sense than the onion thing actually

 **pidge yes** : so youre saying that, like an onion, shrek just peels into smaller versions of himself

 **does allura is nut??** : yeah

 **shitlett** : now hold on

 **shiroSUFFERING** : goddamnit 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> maybe next chapter wont be about shrek lolol  
> can u tell ive never taken anatomy


End file.
